Saturday, December 12, 2009

6 days to go!

In 6 days I should be holding my little man in my arms! I am being induced on Friday December 18th. I really can't wait. I go in Thursday night at 6 pm to get cervidal and then first thing Friday they start the pitocin. Of course this is dependent on whether or not Tyler gets in the right position. Right now he is transverse. He is refusing to get into the birthing position! I blame John and I, when I first got pregnant we called him Nemo and told him to just keep swimming. Apparently, this is the only thing he wants to do. He moves all over the place, he doesn't really kick that much because he is to busy doing flips:) During ultrasounds they have a hard time doing measurements or getting a good reading on the umbilical cord because he is always moving. I think its great because it is reassuring to me that he is doing well, I just wish he would get in the proper position so I can do a natural birth. I have an ultrasound Tuesday and if he hasn't moved then the doctors will have to decide if they are going to do a version or a c-section. Due to the fact that I have gestational diabetes there are risks to both options. With a version they could get him in the right position and he could move again because of the fluid level. With a c-section there could be risks for me as far as infection and things like that. As long as Tyler comes out alive and healthy I am willing to take any risks necessary!
The next time I post I will be holding my little man in my arms!

Happy Holidays to all!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Update 32 weeks 6 days

The past few weeks have not been fun for me. I have had bronchitis for 3 weeks and it will not go away. I have asthma so it is taking longer to get better than it might for someone without asthma. I have to take a steroid inhaler and an albuterol inhaler. I have also been exposed to swine flu so I am on Tami flu as a precaution. I did get the vaccination, but that was a day prior to being exposed to it and since I am sick already they are not taking any chances. I will have to get a booster of the vaccine in a month. On top of all this I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and will have to start insulin tomorrow. I really just wanted an uneventful pregnancy and did not want to have to take medicine. I am getting very stressed out and frustrated. I just want it to be safe for Tyler to be born so I can hold him in my arms, then this will all be worth it.

I did have my second fetal echo Monday and Tyler is doing very well. He was moving and flipping around a lot! They told me that he is about 5lbs 1 oz. I am definitely using an epidural when I deliver him if he is this big already. I still have 6-7 weeks to go and I can't imagine how big he is going to get in that time frame. All I need is to be able to breathe well when I do go into labor so I don't have to worry about that in addition to the stress I will feel anyway once I go into labor.

I have weekly BPP ultrasounds and doctors appointments to really monitor Tyler and I and to make sure what happened with Addison does not happen again. I really love the doctors I have now. They are so understanding and never make me feel stupid or as if I am bothering them. If it wasn't for them I would probably be in a padded room awaiting Tyler's arrival.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I went to a wedding yesterday and it was as hard as I was expecting it to be. First of all it was on the 3rd of the month which is never an easy day and second it was for one of my girlfriends which is a reminder that my little girl will never have a wedding day. I was pretty emotional all day although I hid it until the way home when I started crying. Seeing my friend being walked down the aisle with her dad broke my heart because John can never do that with Addison. I could not even watch the father daughter dance, I tuned it out. John and I danced to the song "Remember When" and I started tearing up at the part when they sing "remember when the sound of little feet wasn't music we danced to week to week". I wish we were able to "dance" to the music of Addison's little feet running around the house looking for a toy or chasing the puppies, but we will never experience it. I try to stay positive and say we will get to do a lot of the things we don't get to do with Addison with Tyler and we will make them more special because we are doing it for both of them, but it's not the same. I want to be able to do all these things and so much more with my little girl. Why is live so unfair? Who decides what babies live and what babies don't? If anyone knows please tell me.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Catch Up

A lot has happened since my last post. First, I was in a car accident that totaled my vehicle. I was on my way to work on August 3rd (yes it would have to happen on the third of the month) and some idiot "did not see me" and hit me going an est. 35 mph. I was stopped and he pushed me into the vehicle in front of me. I of course freaked out because of the baby. The last thing I can handle is losing another child. I called 911 in hysterics and of course the cops, EMT's and firefighters came. They took me out on a back board because of the impact they were worried about my back and neck. At that point I could have cared less about me, I just needed to know my baby was okay. When I got to the ER the nurse was very obviously clueless about using a fetal doppler and she could not get a heartbeat, she was looking for about 5 minutes and finally I told her to stop because all she was doing was freaking me out more. I told her I wanted my OB practice called and I wanted an ultrasound. During this stressful moment my husband showed up, my sister went into the hall to tell him what was going on and to tell him to not stress because I am already stressed out. He came in and behaved very well for being so scared. The ER doctor was a jerk and he came in and said "I am 99.9999999999999999% sure that the baby is fine, you can call your OB later and they may want to get you in for an ultrasound." I said no I want to see them now. He called them and they told him to discharge me from the ER and send me to the Childbirth Center and they would do an ultrasound right then. I knew they would and for the ER doctor to be like that really irritated me! John had a really hard time going to the CBC because they put us in the same room we were in when we found out about Addison and he could not bear to think about it happening again. Thankfully, Tyler was moving around as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my belly. His heart looked good and there was no sign of trauma to him at all. We were very relieved about that! It wasn't until the next day that I felt the neck and back pain that I had. I will take all the neck and back pain in the world as long as my baby is okay. John and I keep saying that Addison was looking out for us and that is why Tyler is okay. I thank her everyday for being our Guardian Angel.


I had my Fetal Echo last week and everything looked really good. Tyler was moving like crazy. He kept punching and kicking me:) The tech was trying to get a picture of his fingers, but he wanted to keep his hand in a fist, it was really cute:) The only thing they say on the echo was that when Tyler pees some of his urine goes back into his kidneys, it is a very common boy problem and they are not very concerned. I will be going back for another echo at 32-34 weeks to re-check that and to re-check the heart since Addison's problems happened late in the pregnancy. I got some very good pictures so I will try to post them later today or this weekend.


I had a regular ultrasound 2 days ago at my OB practice, I am not sure why I think they were just jealous that the big hospital in my area had seen me twice for ultrasounds and they hadn't:) Tyler kept covering his face with his hands so they could not get a good face or profile shot. The shots they could get looks like he is laughing at us:)! He also covered his ear with his hand, I think he was sick of listening to us. At the end of the ultrasound he yawned twice, it was so cute!! It was his way of saying I'm done now, it is time for my nap. They got a picture of him yawning so I will try to post that as well.


As you can see it has been an eventful August. I can only hope September goes smoother. It will be a crazy month though because my classes start, I am taking 3 online classes this semester so I can get my A.S. degree in May and I am still working full time. I am beginning to think I am crazy:) At least it should keep me from stressing about the pregnancy, I will be to busy to do that!


Thanks to Addison keeping us safe during the accident I am having more faith in this pregnancy and am bonding more with Tyler. I talk and read to him and wiggle my belly to say hello to him. Of course he then retaliates by kicking and punching me for hours, but I'll take it. I am so lucky to have 2 such great babies. Even though I can't hold Addison in my arms I know she is with me every minute of every day. I think she has been giving Tyler pointers to because he has some of the same mannerisms that she had. A co-worker actually told me that Tyler is lucky to have his own special Angel looking out for him and I think she's right, he is lucky and it makes him and Addison even more special.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

It's a.......


My son, Tyler Joseph, was not at all shy to show the world his manhood:). He was on his stomach the whole time and would not show us his face, but his penis was a different story. My husband, of course, was very proud of himself. He strutted out of the hospital, it was very cute! For myself, I am happy that we are having a boy, but I was also sad because it means we have to redo Addison's room and put away all her girl stuff. People keep saying we don't have to change her room, but I think we do. It's purple with flowers and butterflies, not exactly a room for a boy. I have started sorting through Addi's things to see what Tyler can use and it is not a lot. I did not realize how many things we had that said Princess on them:). Oh well, like mother like daughter:).
We have ordered Tyler's bedding set and a matching blanket and lamp (the theme is Giraffes). I told John I was not ready to put Addi's bedding away. We have plenty of time and Tyler will be sleeping in our room for awhile and not using the crib right away. The hardest part might be painting the room over. I will always think of that room as Addi's, so it will be hard to turn it into Tyler's.
I think a part of me is glad we are having a boy and not a girl because it makes this pregnancy that much different. I still wish I could go back and that Addi would be here. I wonder how she would feel knowing she is going to have a baby brother.
My little cousin, he is 10, went with John and I to the ultrasound and he kept saying all these sweet things. He said that Addi would sleep with Tyler some nights and that Addi is his angel and will watch out over him. He even drew a picture that had Chico, Suzy, Tyler, John, myself and him and his brother and sister in it. In the sky there was a cloud that had an angel next to it. He said it was Addison watching over us. He makes me cry because he is so sweet and always includes Addison. He made his parents bring him to Addison's funeral because he wanted to say goodbye and he wanted to be with me because he knew it would be very hard for me. Not many young boys would be as sensitive as he is.
I keep waiting to believe that this pregnancy will turn out different from my last one, maybe having my cousin tell me that Tyler has his Angel Addison looking out for him will let me start to believe.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

19 weeks 1 day update

I am obviously proving that I am not a good blog writer. I don't update very often, but I do come up with posts in my head while I lay in bed, I just never post them:)

Everything is going well with this pregnancy. We have had our level 2 ultrasound and are scheduled for a fetal echo and another follow up ultrasound at the end of August. We did find out what we are having and I will post the picture later.

I have not been dealing well with this pregnancy the last few weeks, I have made 2 appointments to just hear the heartbeat. The doctors are being great though and told me I can see them every week if it makes me feel better. As nice as that would be I really want to try and deal with this pregnancy as close to normally as I can. I am currently going every 3 weeks and after my September appointment I am going to change that to every 2 weeks. The problems with Addison did not happen at the beginning, they happened at the end, and that is when I think my stress level will be through the roof. I know that the doctors are going to do everything they can to have me deliver a happy, healthy baby, but no matter how much we all want it to that does not always happen. As you can see I am not feeling as positive about this pregnancy as I would like to. I really try to and I am seeing a new therapist who is helping me focus on the positives and on the things that are different in this pregnancy. I really miss being the naive pregnant women that I was with Addison. I assumed everything would be fine and that I would have a healthy baby girl. I did not know about all the bad things that can happen, now I do and I wish I didn't.

I don't deal very well when I find out that a friend wants to get pregnant. I almost start lecturing them on what they need to do so they can have the best possible chance to have a healthy baby. I tell them to get on prenatal vitamins right away, to let their doctor know and I tell them what foods are okay to eat and what aren't. I'm never going to just be able to smile and say "that's great!" and then let it go. I don't want what happened to me and my other baby lost mama's to happen to them.

I will try and be good and post the picture of what we are having later this weekend. If I forget feel free to email me and yell at me until I do it.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Update 11 weeks 1 Day

I have been slacking when it comes to blogging. I am just so tired that all I want to do when I get home from work is sleep. I skipped the last 2 Empty Arms meetings because I was tired and also because I did not think I could handle hearing about all the bad things that can happen and do happen during a pregnancy. I know what they are, but I have been stressing myself out enough so I just stayed home. Everything seems to be going well with this pregnancy although I have a hard time believing that everything will stay that way. I have had a couple of scares that with Addison I would not have freaked out, but with this one I am. I went to the ob office twice and had 2 ultrasounds before my first official appointment. The doctors are being so nice and have told me that I can call whenever I need to and that they will do what they can for me. At my first ultrasound (pictures below) they saw that there was a bleed, it was very small and they said completely normal. On Mother's Day the bleed thought it would be a good idea to come out and scare the sh*t out of me. I called the ob office and they said it was probably just the bleed coming out and that they would have me come in the next day for an ultrasound. I spent all of Mother's Day laying down and praying that this baby was going to be okay. At the ultrasound the next day the bleed was gone so that is all it was.

I really want to find a way to not stress out throughout this whole pregnancy, it's not good for me or the baby. I am worried that the stress is going to lead to high blood pressure (which I had a little bit of the last month I was pregnant with Addi) and that the doctors will put me on bed rest, which I don't want. I may need to make a serious effort to find a therapist that can help me work through the stress and the emotions I am having with this baby.

In Monday I have my first trimester screening. I am excited to have another ultrasound so I can see my baby, but I am also scared. Ultrasounds freak me out! An ultrasound is how they found out that Addison did not have a heartbeat anymore and I am scared that history will repeat itself.

Here are the 2 pictures from my first ultrasound:

Isn't my coffee bean adorable:)

They were showing me there was a heartbeat:)

According to the ultrasound we will be having a Christmas miracle this year. Coffee Bean is due right on Christmas Day although we will be induced early. This WILL be a good Christmas this year! (Positive thinking at work:))

Monday, April 27, 2009

Good Weekend

This was a good weekend as far as my stressing over the pregnancy goes. I started to enjoy it and am having some faith that everything will be okay. It helps that my ob office has been great. I was worried last week and they did a blood test just to reassure me. They also told me I can call every day if I want and they will do whatever they need to to give me control of this pregnancy. I also ask if they hold hands and they said they would:) It is so nice to have a doctors office be understanding and tell me that I can call whenever I need and that they will do whatever they can for me. It definitely made me feel better about this pregnancy.

I can't help wondering how Addison would feel about this pregnancy. I know she would only be a year old, but I wonder how she would react as my belly grows and how she would be when her brother or sister comes home. I know she is watching out over us so maybe she will send us some signs to let us know how she is feeling.

On a crazy note, has anyone seen Finding Nemo? I keep signing to my little coffee bean "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I want the baby to stay in the spa that is my womb until December and am hoping the song will be encouraging. Maybe I will have to watch the movie again so the coffee bean can hear Dory sing to him or her:) Yes, I know I am slightly crazy!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Believing in Miracles

I am going to make a real attempt to think positive about this pregnancy. I am going to Expect Miracles because they can happen! When I went on webmd to do a pregnancy calendar it said the conception date was April 3rd and the due date is December 25th. When I found out that we were pregnant I said it is Addi's Angelversary gift to John and I and that we would have our Christmas miracle. I had no idea how true that was. I just want to point out though, that this baby was not conceived on April 3rd, there is no way. The last thing John and I were thinking of that day is having sex and making a baby. I am still going to think the "conception date" is a sign from Addi saying everything is going to go well and we will get our miracle baby just in time for Christmas.

On Sunday when we found out we were pregnant and I called my family and close friends to tell them and they were so happy for us. My sister even went to Babies R' Us and got the baby a stuffed giraffe and got me some chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva (yummy). Today, when I was at CVS getting a few things I saw a green baby blanket with a giraffe on it, I had to get it. It may seem crazy to buy gifts when I am only 4weeks and 5 days but I don't care. I want to try and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and if that means buying a gift when I see it then so be it.

John and I also decided that we are going to call the baby coffee bean. I love coffee and can't drink it right now so by calling the baby coffee bean I get coffee all day, every day. We also were teasing that it will be hazelnut if it is a boy and french vanilla if it is a girl. John was talking to my belly the other day and he sniffed and said it smells like hazelnut:) He is just to cute sometimes! Neither one of us cares if it is a boy or a girl as long as it is born alive and healthy. I don't think that is asking to much, do you?

Monday, April 20, 2009


It's happened...John and I are pregnant again! We just found out yesterday after I took 3 tests to confirm it. I was so excited yesterday and now I am just scared out of my mind. I can't get over the fear that something bad will happen to this baby. I really need to stop focusing on it and focus on the positive, I am pregnant. That is all I should be focusing on right now. It is so hard because every little twinge sends panic racing through my mind. It's also hard because I am only 4 weeks along so there is nothing the doctors can do to ease my fears, they can't do an ultrasound this early and I can't see or hear the heartbeat yet.

If anyone out there has any ideas on how I can stop stressing about this pregnancy, I am open to suggestions.

Here are the pictures of the 3 tests that verify I am pregnant! The pictures are blurry, but I think you get the idea:)

This one is hard to see but it says "yes+"

Monday, April 6, 2009

Angelversary Pictures

Saturday's Angelversary for Addi went really well. I of course was freaking out that morning because everything wasn't perfect and then at about 1 (the party was scheduled for 2) I decided it did not matter if it was perfect. People were coming to the house to be with us and help us remember Addi, not to see a perfectly clean house. Instead of rambling on about what Addison's Angelversary I will show you with pictures. There are a lot!

The gifts:

The flowers and Balloon:

The cake and cupcakes:

Addison's Angel Table:

As selfish as this may sound I was so glad that people brought Addison cards, flowers and gifts. It made me feel better knowing my friends and family remembered her and wanted to do something for her. People also donated money in Addison's name to the Empty Arms Support Group John and I go to because they know how much it has helped us.

Having this Angelversary get together was really good for John and I. It also gave our friends and family a way to show us they love her and miss her too. I think it may become a yearly get together.

Friday, April 3, 2009


I have a hard time believing that it is already what should be Addison's first birthday. I have been thinking a lot about the other firsts we should be experiencing. Her first diaper, first smile, first cold, first tooth, first time she slept through the night, first time she crawled, first steps, first word, so many firsts that I will never experience with her. Today is another, her first birthday.

We have not really done a lot today because we are preparing for her Angelversary party that we are having tomorrow. We did go to the cemetary and I put candles at the head of her headstone and planted some pansies at the bottom of it.

As we were leaving the cemetary, that is the one and only time I have cried so far today. I almost feel like that makes me a bad mom, because I only cried once. Shouldn't I be crying all day? I don't know, maybe I just can't let it out right now. I just feel numb.
On your 1st birthday mommy is thinking of you and loves you so much! I miss you every second of every day! You are always is in my heart.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I was before I was told Addison didn't have a heartbeat, but I struggle with who I have become since then. I am not the same person. Things that mattered before don't matter anymore. I know I have distanced myself from my friends and some of my family because I honestly don't feel like I have that much in common with them anymore. They can't and don't understand what it is like to lose a child and I don't want them to know what it is like. As Addison's Angelversary approaches I feel myself pulling away more and more. I don't want to lose my friends or push them away but I can't stop myself. I just want to figure out who I am now and how the new me fits in my old world.

I have never been a big crier but lately that is all I feel like doing. The littlest things set me off. This song by Carrie Underwood sets me off every time, specifically the chorus and the part where the preacher hands her a folded up flag. That part reminds me that all I have left of Addi are a few pieces of her hair and a folded up blanket with the little pink hat she wore inside it.

I remember how happy I was this time last year, thinking Addi is almost here! I am going to be bringing my baby home and I will get to be her mommy and love her and play with her and of course show her off. That never happened though. I still get to be her mommy and love her, but not the way I was planning to. I find myself thinking a lot of last year before Addi was born and then about the couple of weeks after she was born. I still find it hard to believe that my life changed so drastically in an instant, but it did and I will never be the same.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


John and I have started trying to get pregnant. We both want a baby so bad and I feel like I am going to be a disappointment to him. Women who have lost babies understand this feeling. I feel like I failed. I am a women, I should be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a live baby. I did 2 out of 3, which in a lot of cases is great, not so much in this one. How do you get past the fear that you will never have a live baby?
Last night John and I were discussing when we would tell people when we do get pregnant. We told people right away with Addison. A part of me wants to tell people right away this time too, but there is a part of me that wants to wait until after the 1st trimester. I don't even really know why, it's not like I will feel like we are "safe" once we are past the 1st trimester. I know firsthand that bad things can happen throughout the pregnancy. I think John will want to tell a select few people so he can have people to talk to if he is stressing out. I am hoping when the time comes we will know what is right for us.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The 3rd

I am feeling so cranky today! I know it is because today Addison should be 11 months old and instead of planning her 1st birthday party, I am printing out invitations and planning her 1st Angelversary. How did the life I was planning on living get to this point? I still don't understand why this happened to us, why did we have to learn how to keep our daughters memory alive instead of learning how to live with a baby?
I just want someone to tell me why we had to lose our baby? Why us? We did everything we were supposed to. We went to the doctors before we started trying to make sure there was no medical reason for us to not get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks and made a doctors appointment right away so I could begin good prenatal care. I took disgusting prenatal vitamins that made me throw up. I went to all of my doctors appointments and listened to all their advice but it still wasn't enough, I still lost my baby. It just doesn't make sense to me, why when we did everything right did the worst thing possible happen?

Sunday, February 22, 2009


First, I want to thank everyone for their comments on my blog. It helps knowing there are people out there who are reading it.
Now onto my topic....remodeling.
The first house my husband and I owned was the definition of fixer upper. It was built in 1863 and had old wallpaper and disgusting linoleum covering up gorgeous wood floors. The bathroom was also literally falling down. My husband and I worked hard and we fixed up that house. Thankfully, my husband is very good at fixing things so we were able to do the work ourselves with help from some good friends. We ended up renting our first house out and moving closer to our parents in anticipation of starting a family.
The new house does not need a lot of work but it does need updating. Our living room has wood paneling that goes half way up each wall and the lighting fixtures are old. The carpet was new when we moved in, but it is very cheap and 1 of my dogs has peed on it numerous times. During 1 of our trips to home depot my husband and I decided it would be a good idea to put down ceramic tile in the living room and get rid of the carpet. This is good for a few reasons: 1. I have asthma and allergies and carpet traps allergens, 2. it is cheap carpet, 3. I am sick of renting a carpet cleaner because the dog has peed again, and 4. when it rains really hard, which it did this past summer, the rain can come in the house which can cause mold to grow (see reason 1). So, we bought the tile and did nothing for at least 5 months. Tonight that all changed! My husband and I had excess energy so we decided to run to Home Depot and get tools to lift up the ugly green tile that was under the carpet. We thought we would get half the living room done today and finish the other half later this week. The tile came up so easy we got it all up. The floor looks awful right now but we are well on our way to having an updated living room. My husband is going to tear down the poorly done ceiling and put up new sheet rock and recessed lighting. Then he will take out the ugly and outdated wood panelling and put up sheet rock and I can paint the room a color that coordinates with the new tile. I can not wait to have a fresh, updated living room!
We want to have all of this done by April 4th because we are planning to have friends and family over for Addison's Angelversary. The actual date of her Angelversary is April 3rd but we want to spend that day together.
I am finding that remodeling is a good place to put some of my mommy energy. I am also having fun doing something with my husband that we haven't done in a while. Is anyone else doing any fun or not so fun remodeling?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ignorant Comments

Today my husband and I went furniture shopping at a small town store where the clerk knew me. I had not seen her since before Addison was born so I did not know if she knew that Addison had died. I am still not comfortable broaching the topic so I did not bring it up. About 1/2 way into the conversation she said she was sorry for our loss. I thanked her and nodded my head sadly when she said it was hard. She then said it was similar to when the doctors told her daughter, who is 6 months pregnant, that there was something wrong with the baby and they may need to abort the baby. I, of course, become immediately sympathetic. She then continues and says they ran tests and it turns out everything is fine. At this point I start getting upset, this is in no way similar to my circumstances. Yes, initially the doctors told her daughter she may have to abort the baby, so she would have also lost a baby. However, the baby is going to be fine, so no, it is not the same. Then she tells me it was God's will that Addison had died.

Since the day Addison died I said that is the last thing I want to hear. It doesn't even make sense! Was it really God's will to give my baby non-immune hydrops? Or make her heart twice the size of what it should have been? Or have her kidney's go into renal failure? I don't think it was. Saying it is God's will is what someone says when they don't know what else to say. In my opinion, if you don't know what to say, say nothing! It would mean more to me if the person gave me a hug or squeezed my hand sympathetically rather than say something if they don't know what to say. I really don't think that people realize that what they say to parents who have lost a child really impacts them. We really do remember the good and the bad things that are said to us.

Not long after I returned to work and before I got the autopsy results I had a co-worker tell me that the reason Addison died was because she was a girl and I was destined to have a boy. He said if I had been pregnant with a boy he would have lived. Then he asks me if I can't have a baby would I do a surrogate! I had not even received the autopsy results to know why Addison died and he is already assuming I can't have a live baby! The surprising part to this part of the story is, he has a baby! Those words really stuck with me so when my husband and I got the autopsy results I asked the pathologist if she had died because she was a girl. I explained why I was asking that question and after a moment of stunned silence she said absolutely not, it had noting to do with Addison's sex, it just happened and they don't know why it happened. Although the pathologist said it was not because Addison was a girl, I am still scared to get pregnant with a girl the next time. That comment will live in my head forever.

When people say these stupid and hurtful comments I freeze up. I can't even make a coherent thought, so I never tell them that what they are saying hurts me. Of course, later on I have all sorts of comments I wish I had said. I really wish just once I could tell the people that make these comments that what they are saying hurts and that their words last in my head long after our conversation. Maybe one day I will be able to.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Is it just me?

I really feel like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or they just had a baby. Am I the only one who feels this way? It really devastates me when I see a pregnant person. I want to yell and scream, "I was pregnant too!" And "Be Careful because bad things can happen after the first trimester, they can even happen at full term!", but I don't say these things, I keep it locked inside of me and smile and say congratulations like your supposed to. When I hear that a friend or acquaintance has had a baby my heart breaks because they have what I should have and what I want more than words can say.
I also get very judgmental when I see people who are pregnant who don't take care of themselves (the cigarette in their mouth proves this). I don't get how come they will have a healthy baby, yet I took care of myself starting before I even got pregnant and I lost my baby. Please realize that I don't think anyone should have to lose their baby, I just get mad that these women are not taking care of themselves which means they are also not taking care of their unborn baby.
Jealousy and bitterness really isn't attractive, is it? Maybe once I get pregnant again and have a healthy baby I will get over these nasty emotions.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Ten Months

Ten months ago life as I knew it changed for good. Ten months ago I lost my baby girl. My life is so drastically different that what I had thought and hoped it would be. When I was told that Addison had died, a lot of my hopes and dreams died with her. I didn’t know if I would be able to go on without her. Obviously I have, but it is a struggle. The 3rd of the month is always the worst day. I have a hard time focusing on anything but the fact that my daughter should be ______ many months old. I think about what stage she would be at and what we would be doing with her. It is hard to fathom that I have been without Addison longer than I was pregnant with her. In two short months it will have been a year since I went to the hospital excited that Addison was finally going to be coming home with me, only to be told she would never come home with me.
I have friends and family that expect me to move on and to not still be grieving, but they just don’t understand you never get over the loss of your child. They also expect me to be the same person I was before this happened, they don’t understand that I am not and can not ever be that person again. When you lose a child, you lose not only your present, but large chunks of your future. When you get pregnant you visualize different stages of your life with that child in it, the day the baby comes home, the first steps and words, first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, first crush, marriage, grandchildren, all that is taken away when your child dies. I emailed my friends and family the Bereaved Parents Wish List and it helped some, but they still just don’t understand. I guess I need to stop expecting them to.

On a different note this wonderful women Cara started a Wall of Angels that has the names and pictures of the children that have died. As soon as I found this blog I emailed Cara to have Addison added to it. If you lost a child visit the blog and have Cara add your child to it. I think this is a great way to honor our children.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Subsequent Pregnancy-Am I Crazy!?

My husband and I just got done booking a trip to Washington DC for March, right about the time we want to start trying to have another baby. As much as we both want another baby, I sometimes think we are crazy. Why would we want to put ourselves through another pregnancy knowing the baby could die? I know the doctors and specialists said it usually does not reocur, but that is not a big comfort. I am so paranoid that something bad will happen I have already called my ob office and asked them to run some blood work to see if everything looks good. Thankfully, my ob office does not think I am crazy and they ordered the tests. Of course everything came back fine, but it I needed to do it to reassure me. They also told me that it is good to be cautious. This reminds me yet again why I am glad that I switched practices.
I also feel guilty about trying to get pregnant so close to what should be Addison's first birthday. I feel like having another baby takes away from Addison. Logically I know that it doesn't, but logic doesn't really play a part in this. The funny thing is if Addi had lived John and I would probably be trying to have another baby around now anyway. We wanted our children close together in age. I thought about putting off trying until May but I just can't, I want a baby, I need one. Another baby won't replace Addi, I know that, but I think (hope) that having another baby will ease some of the grief.
Has anyone out there in blogger world dealt with this? Any tips are much appreciated.
Also, John and I are going to be buying a fetal doppler to try and ease some of the anxiety, does anyone have suggestions for which is the best one?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Autopsy Results

After Addison was born they asked John and I if we wanted an autopsy preformed to see if they could find out what had happened. The doctor had told us that most of the time autopsies don't tell the doctors anything and the death gets labeled as a cord accident. Regardless of this, John and I wanted an autopsy performed. We were originally told that it would take 4-6 weeks to get all the autopsy results in, this was not the case with us. Addison died on April 3rd and it took until June 18th for us to get the full results of the autopsy. Part of me dreaded the autopsy results and the other part just wanted to know what happened. The worst part of it taking so long to get the full results was my OB would call me at work or on my way home from work and give me results in dribs and drabs. The first time this happened I was on lunch in my work's break room. The doctor is using words I don't understand and telling me how my beautiful daughter's heart was twice the size of what it was supposed to be, her kidneys had started to go into renal failure and there had been a problem with her red blood cells. To get this information over the phone and while I was at work was awful! I am trying not to sob while I am talking to him and trying to ask questions, but it was not easy. Once I got off the phone I just laid my head on the table and cried. I had 2 co-workers on lunch with me who just came over and put their arms around me and asked me what had happened. I told them the best I could in between sobs and they also started crying. Nobody could believe this had happened to me. (I still don't understand why the doctor could not ask me to come in so he could tell me this stuff face to face. As if going back to work after losing Addison wasn't hard enough, now I had to hear the autopsy results while I was at work.) I had asked the doctor during this phone conversation why they had not detected any of this at the ultrasound I had had on March 21st. He, of course, said it had all happened really fast so it was not detectable then.
On June 18th when we had the actual appointment with my OB and the pathologist to go over the autopsy results, I was a wreck. The first thing the pathologist said after we were introduced was "let me see your hands", I thought it was a little odd but what the heck. I showed her my hands and she smiled "Your daughter had your hands and I can see from you wearing sandals, she had your toes". That was one of the best things I could have ever heard. She was my daughter! I may not have her to hold in my arms everyday, but I can look at my hands and toes and know I had passed them on to her.
The pathologist then went into all the results. She reiterated that Addison's heart was twice the size of what it should have been and that her kidneys were going into renal failure. She could not tell us what happened first or what caused it. Addison also had Non-Immune Hydrops, which is an accumulation of fluid in at least 2 fetal compartments. It is a prenatal form of heart failure. Non-Immune Hydrops can be caused from fetal anemia, which Addison had. The pathologist did say this rarely occurs twice, but they don't know why it occurs in the first place so those words were not very comforting. Addison's chromosome testing came back good so that was 1 positive thing we had learned that day. She also had said that my OB office had done everything they were supposed to and that they could not have prevented this from happening. I really want to believe that, but I am not sure that I do or can. On the way out of the office I told them I was switching practices because it was to hard to keep coming there. That was partially true. The other part is I did not really trust them to prevent this from happening to me in the future.
Once we left the office we went home and I took a nap because I was emotionally drained. I was in some ways glad that there were reasons why Addison died, but a small part of me had almost wanted them to say there was something wrong with the cord. Of course, once I thought this through I knew that was ridiculous, either way I will be panicked throughout my next pregnancy, especially when I get closer to delivery.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Birth Story Part 3

The doctor came in to see how I was progressing and told me that the head was not down enough so I had to get on all fours and swing my hips from side to side to drop the head. Let me tell you that is not fun when you have an epidural in and when you have strong contractions. A little bit later the doctor came back in to check me again and said I could start trying to push. Now for me it took a little bit to figure out just how to do this right, so it ended up taking 4.5 hours of pushing for Addison to come all the way out. She was a BIG girl! She was 9lbs 14oz and 21.5 in long! When I was pushing her out I felt like I was tearing myself in 2! I knew I was bleeding quite a bit and that I would need an episiotomy. Once I had fully delivered Addi the nurses took her to do what they had to do and the doctor started sewing me up. They had to give me a pain reliever because it hurt so much for her to touch me.
Once the doctor was done, the nurse asked me if we wanted to see Addison. What kind of question was that?! Of course we did! They brought her in, wrapped in a white blanket, with a multicolored blanket draped over that and she had a hand knit pink hat on. She was gorgeous! She had the tiniest nose for such a big girl.

We had my family that was there come in to see her. Everyone who wanted to held her and we took quite a bit of pictures. Thankfully a very caring family who had lost their first daughter had provided the hospital with cameras for parents like John and I so we can take pictures. I really don't know if I would have even thought of doing it otherwise. We had Addison stay with us for about 6 hours. A very kind nurse came in at one point and asked if we would like Addison baptised. John and I are both not very religious but it is something we both wanted. The nurse was so gentle when she preformed the baptism. She also offered to cut of a few pieces of Addi's hair so we could have it with us. I am glad that the nurses offered to do these things because John and I were to numb and in shock to think of them ourselves.
When we were to be transferred out of the delivery room we said our goodbyes to Addison, which was the hardest thing we ever had to do. We both agreed that this was going to be the only time we held her because if we kept asking for her back, the harder it would be to let go.
That night in the hospital John and I could not share a bed but he pulled his little chair that folds out to a bed as close as he could to me so we could be close.
The next day the nurse asked us if it would be okay if the hospital chaplain came into see us. I said I do not want to hear the words it was god's will come out of her mouth and they assured me it wouldn't. The chaplain never said those words and was really very nice, but she had to ask us questions that we did not want to think about. Did we want Addison buried or cremated. We had already agreed to an autopsy because we wanted answers, but they had to know what to do next. John and I both did not want cremation we decided we wanted her buried. The next questions was what funeral home and where did we want her buried. These are things you just don't think about for your child. We should have been mapping out the route to take her home that had the least amount of traffic and potholes. Instead we get to decide what funeral home we want. We made the decisions the best way we could and I am not unhappy with what we choose. The funeral home was great, they preformed the service and provided everything from the cards to the casket for no charge.
When we went to leave the hospital, it was so hard! We had to walk out of the Childbirth Center and down the long hallway to the exit doors to start this new chapter of our lives without our daughter. At times this feels impossible at other times I have a hard time believing this ever happened to us. All I have to do is look at the stretch marks on my belly or go into what should have been Addi's bedroom to know it did happen.

Birth Story Part 2

After the initial shock wore off they said they would be transferring me to a delivery room because I was in labor. At this point I had another contraction and I just could not focus. The nurse held my hand and just told me to breath through it. Once the contraction ended, they asked me if we wanted to call anyone. I said I wanted to call my mom. They had the operator dial the number for me and then handed me the phone. One of the hardest things I did was tell my mom that Addison did not have a heartbeat and that she needed to get to the hospital now. My mom does not handle stress well so she immediately started crying and yelling and asking questions. I just told her I did not know and to get to the hospital. The doctor and nurse left us alone why they went to get me a room. I then had John hand me the phone so I could call work because I had called them earlier to say I was in labor and would not be into work that day. I talked to my manager and told him that Addi did not have a heartbeat and could he please tell everyone there and tell them to leave me alone why I try to deal with this. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was in shock as well.
At this point I am just numb, all I could focus on was the fact that I was going to deliver a dead baby. The doctor and nurse transferred me to the delivery room and told me they were going to break my water and then try one last time to see if they could get a heart beat. They were going to use something they could put in the uterus that actually attaches to the baby. They did say that I should realize that the first noise I will hear will be my heartbeat not the babies. When the doctor broke the water she said she could tell that the baby had been dead for awhile because of the color but she tried to get the heart beat anyway. Of course, there wasn't one.
I think this is the point when my mom and sister showed up but most of this day is a blur so forgive me if I get the timeline messed up.
In my birth plan I said I did not want an epidural, I wanted to try having natural birth. I changed my mind on that because, as I told the doctor, I wanted to feel numb. The anesthesiologist came in and put the epidural in. I hate needles and the thought of them putting one in my back while I was having contractions was not a fun thought. I had to lean over the side of the bed and my husband had to help hold me still in that position. He got really hot at this point and i think super overwhelmed from everything that had already gone on that morning that he almost passed out (although he denies this). The nurse made him take off his sweatshirt and lay down with his knees elevated and she took over for him. The doctor told the anesthesiologist to give me a high dose because they both did not think I need to feel any pain on top of everything else. This was nice for awhile but the problem was the contractions slowed done so they had to give me pitocin and lower the epidural. That is when the contractions really kicked in, god did they hurt! They upped the epidural again but not quite as high as it first was. My aunt and cousin came in at some point during this ordeal, which surprised me but I really appreciated them being there for John and I.
At some point my mom was left alone in the room with me and she just started crying. I had to snap at her and tell her to stop because I could not deal with it, I had to focus on delivering Addison and not on anything or anyone else.

Birth Story Part 1

On April 3, 2008 at about 2am I woke up feeling a tightening in my belly. At first I thought it was more of those annoying braxton hicks contractions, but as the night wore on it became apparent that after 41 weeks of being pregnant I was finally in labor! I was surprisingly very calm once I realized I was in labor. I did not wake my husband up and I fell back asleep on and off. I knew that the contractions were not close enough or strong enough to have me go to the hospital so I figured I would get as much sleep as I could. It did not occur to me that I did not feel Addison moving during this time, I was more focused on the contractions. At about 5:30 that morning the contractions were happening more often so I woke up my husband to tell him and then I took a shower because I knew I would not have the chance later in the day. Once I got out of the shower I told my husband to shower because we would be going to the hospital shortly. As I was putting my hair in a ponytail, I had to stop because I got a pretty strong contraction. My dogs kept trying to cuddle up to me because they knew I was in pain, it was actually very cute at the time. I told them that their baby sister would be coming home very soon! At about 6 I called my OB's office to let them know I was having contractions that were steadily getting stronger and more frequent. They called back and said I could go to the hospital to get checked out to see how far along I was in the process or I could stay home until they got closer together. I decided to go to the hospital. I did not want to chance that the labor would speed up and I would not have time to get to the hospital.
On my way to the hospital I called my mom and told her to call out of work because I was in labor and on my way to the hospital. I also text messaged my sister to let her know. I was so excited on the way to the hospital, I was finally going to have my baby girl!
When we got to the hospital they brought us into the examination room and started hooking us up to the fetal heart rate monitor and the other one that measures the contractions. The heart rate monitor could not pick up a heart rate but I wasn't worried because I had been to the doctors 2 days before and everything was fine. They had also a hard time finding the heart rate but they did find it and said everything sounded fine. The nurse said she was going to get an ultrasound machine to see how the baby was positioned and to get the heart rate. She cam back in and could not find it still. At this point I am getting a little worried, but the nurse said she was going to get yet another ultra sound machine and the on call OB would do the ultrasound. Why John and I were waiting for them to come back in I was getting very worried. I started wiggling my belly and telling Addi to wake up and stop playing games because she was worrying her mommy and daddy. I don't know how long it took for the doctor to come in but it felt like forever. She tried to find the heart rate with the 2nd ultrasound machine and couldn't. At this point she put the machine off and looked at John and I with tears in her eyes and said "I'm sorry, your baby does not have a heart beat". I think I went into shock at the point. I think I yelled No! and covered my face with my hands. I refused to believe it, she had been fine 2 days before and I had felt her move the night before.