The next time I post I will be holding my little man in my arms!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The next time I post I will be holding my little man in my arms!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I did have my second fetal echo Monday and Tyler is doing very well. He was moving and flipping around a lot! They told me that he is about 5lbs 1 oz. I am definitely using an epidural when I deliver him if he is this big already. I still have 6-7 weeks to go and I can't imagine how big he is going to get in that time frame. All I need is to be able to breathe well when I do go into labor so I don't have to worry about that in addition to the stress I will feel anyway once I go into labor.
I have weekly BPP ultrasounds and doctors appointments to really monitor Tyler and I and to make sure what happened with Addison does not happen again. I really love the doctors I have now. They are so understanding and never make me feel stupid or as if I am bothering them. If it wasn't for them I would probably be in a padded room awaiting Tyler's arrival.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
I had my Fetal Echo last week and everything looked really good. Tyler was moving like crazy. He kept punching and kicking me:) The tech was trying to get a picture of his fingers, but he wanted to keep his hand in a fist, it was really cute:) The only thing they say on the echo was that when Tyler pees some of his urine goes back into his kidneys, it is a very common boy problem and they are not very concerned. I will be going back for another echo at 32-34 weeks to re-check that and to re-check the heart since Addison's problems happened late in the pregnancy. I got some very good pictures so I will try to post them later today or this weekend.
I had a regular ultrasound 2 days ago at my OB practice, I am not sure why I think they were just jealous that the big hospital in my area had seen me twice for ultrasounds and they hadn't:) Tyler kept covering his face with his hands so they could not get a good face or profile shot. The shots they could get looks like he is laughing at us:)! He also covered his ear with his hand, I think he was sick of listening to us. At the end of the ultrasound he yawned twice, it was so cute!! It was his way of saying I'm done now, it is time for my nap. They got a picture of him yawning so I will try to post that as well.
As you can see it has been an eventful August. I can only hope September goes smoother. It will be a crazy month though because my classes start, I am taking 3 online classes this semester so I can get my A.S. degree in May and I am still working full time. I am beginning to think I am crazy:) At least it should keep me from stressing about the pregnancy, I will be to busy to do that!
Thanks to Addison keeping us safe during the accident I am having more faith in this pregnancy and am bonding more with Tyler. I talk and read to him and wiggle my belly to say hello to him. Of course he then retaliates by kicking and punching me for hours, but I'll take it. I am so lucky to have 2 such great babies. Even though I can't hold Addison in my arms I know she is with me every minute of every day. I think she has been giving Tyler pointers to because he has some of the same mannerisms that she had. A co-worker actually told me that Tyler is lucky to have his own special Angel looking out for him and I think she's right, he is lucky and it makes him and Addison even more special.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
My son, Tyler Joseph, was not at all shy to show the world his manhood:). He was on his stomach the whole time and would not show us his face, but his penis was a different story. My husband, of course, was very proud of himself. He strutted out of the hospital, it was very cute! For myself, I am happy that we are having a boy, but I was also sad because it means we have to redo Addison's room and put away all her girl stuff. People keep saying we don't have to change her room, but I think we do. It's purple with flowers and butterflies, not exactly a room for a boy. I have started sorting through Addi's things to see what Tyler can use and it is not a lot. I did not realize how many things we had that said Princess on them:). Oh well, like mother like daughter:).
We have ordered Tyler's bedding set and a matching blanket and lamp (the theme is Giraffes). I told John I was not ready to put Addi's bedding away. We have plenty of time and Tyler will be sleeping in our room for awhile and not using the crib right away. The hardest part might be painting the room over. I will always think of that room as Addi's, so it will be hard to turn it into Tyler's.
I think a part of me is glad we are having a boy and not a girl because it makes this pregnancy that much different. I still wish I could go back and that Addi would be here. I wonder how she would feel knowing she is going to have a baby brother.
My little cousin, he is 10, went with John and I to the ultrasound and he kept saying all these sweet things. He said that Addi would sleep with Tyler some nights and that Addi is his angel and will watch out over him. He even drew a picture that had Chico, Suzy, Tyler, John, myself and him and his brother and sister in it. In the sky there was a cloud that had an angel next to it. He said it was Addison watching over us. He makes me cry because he is so sweet and always includes Addison. He made his parents bring him to Addison's funeral because he wanted to say goodbye and he wanted to be with me because he knew it would be very hard for me. Not many young boys would be as sensitive as he is.
I keep waiting to believe that this pregnancy will turn out different from my last one, maybe having my cousin tell me that Tyler has his Angel Addison looking out for him will let me start to believe.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Everything is going well with this pregnancy. We have had our level 2 ultrasound and are scheduled for a fetal echo and another follow up ultrasound at the end of August. We did find out what we are having and I will post the picture later.
I have not been dealing well with this pregnancy the last few weeks, I have made 2 appointments to just hear the heartbeat. The doctors are being great though and told me I can see them every week if it makes me feel better. As nice as that would be I really want to try and deal with this pregnancy as close to normally as I can. I am currently going every 3 weeks and after my September appointment I am going to change that to every 2 weeks. The problems with Addison did not happen at the beginning, they happened at the end, and that is when I think my stress level will be through the roof. I know that the doctors are going to do everything they can to have me deliver a happy, healthy baby, but no matter how much we all want it to that does not always happen. As you can see I am not feeling as positive about this pregnancy as I would like to. I really try to and I am seeing a new therapist who is helping me focus on the positives and on the things that are different in this pregnancy. I really miss being the naive pregnant women that I was with Addison. I assumed everything would be fine and that I would have a healthy baby girl. I did not know about all the bad things that can happen, now I do and I wish I didn't.
I don't deal very well when I find out that a friend wants to get pregnant. I almost start lecturing them on what they need to do so they can have the best possible chance to have a healthy baby. I tell them to get on prenatal vitamins right away, to let their doctor know and I tell them what foods are okay to eat and what aren't. I'm never going to just be able to smile and say "that's great!" and then let it go. I don't want what happened to me and my other baby lost mama's to happen to them.
I will try and be good and post the picture of what we are having later this weekend. If I forget feel free to email me and yell at me until I do it.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I really want to find a way to not stress out throughout this whole pregnancy, it's not good for me or the baby. I am worried that the stress is going to lead to high blood pressure (which I had a little bit of the last month I was pregnant with Addi) and that the doctors will put me on bed rest, which I don't want. I may need to make a serious effort to find a therapist that can help me work through the stress and the emotions I am having with this baby.
In Monday I have my first trimester screening. I am excited to have another ultrasound so I can see my baby, but I am also scared. Ultrasounds freak me out! An ultrasound is how they found out that Addison did not have a heartbeat anymore and I am scared that history will repeat itself.
Here are the 2 pictures from my first ultrasound:
According to the ultrasound we will be having a Christmas miracle this year. Coffee Bean is due right on Christmas Day although we will be induced early. This WILL be a good Christmas this year! (Positive thinking at work:))
Monday, April 27, 2009
I can't help wondering how Addison would feel about this pregnancy. I know she would only be a year old, but I wonder how she would react as my belly grows and how she would be when her brother or sister comes home. I know she is watching out over us so maybe she will send us some signs to let us know how she is feeling.
On a crazy note, has anyone seen Finding Nemo? I keep signing to my little coffee bean "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I want the baby to stay in the spa that is my womb until December and am hoping the song will be encouraging. Maybe I will have to watch the movie again so the coffee bean can hear Dory sing to him or her:) Yes, I know I am slightly crazy!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
On Sunday when we found out we were pregnant and I called my family and close friends to tell them and they were so happy for us. My sister even went to Babies R' Us and got the baby a stuffed giraffe and got me some chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva (yummy). Today, when I was at CVS getting a few things I saw a green baby blanket with a giraffe on it, I had to get it. It may seem crazy to buy gifts when I am only 4weeks and 5 days but I don't care. I want to try and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and if that means buying a gift when I see it then so be it.
John and I also decided that we are going to call the baby coffee bean. I love coffee and can't drink it right now so by calling the baby coffee bean I get coffee all day, every day. We also were teasing that it will be hazelnut if it is a boy and french vanilla if it is a girl. John was talking to my belly the other day and he sniffed and said it smells like hazelnut:) He is just to cute sometimes! Neither one of us cares if it is a boy or a girl as long as it is born alive and healthy. I don't think that is asking to much, do you?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Addison's Angel Table:
As selfish as this may sound I was so glad that people brought Addison cards, flowers and gifts. It made me feel better knowing my friends and family remembered her and wanted to do something for her. People also donated money in Addison's name to the Empty Arms Support Group John and I go to because they know how much it has helped us.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I have never been a big crier but lately that is all I feel like doing. The littlest things set me off. This song by Carrie Underwood sets me off every time, specifically the chorus and the part where the preacher hands her a folded up flag. That part reminds me that all I have left of Addi are a few pieces of her hair and a folded up blanket with the little pink hat she wore inside it.
I remember how happy I was this time last year, thinking Addi is almost here! I am going to be bringing my baby home and I will get to be her mommy and love her and play with her and of course show her off. That never happened though. I still get to be her mommy and love her, but not the way I was planning to. I find myself thinking a lot of last year before Addi was born and then about the couple of weeks after she was born. I still find it hard to believe that my life changed so drastically in an instant, but it did and I will never be the same.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Last night John and I were discussing when we would tell people when we do get pregnant. We told people right away with Addison. A part of me wants to tell people right away this time too, but there is a part of me that wants to wait until after the 1st trimester. I don't even really know why, it's not like I will feel like we are "safe" once we are past the 1st trimester. I know firsthand that bad things can happen throughout the pregnancy. I think John will want to tell a select few people so he can have people to talk to if he is stressing out. I am hoping when the time comes we will know what is right for us.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I just want someone to tell me why we had to lose our baby? Why us? We did everything we were supposed to. We went to the doctors before we started trying to make sure there was no medical reason for us to not get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks and made a doctors appointment right away so I could begin good prenatal care. I took disgusting prenatal vitamins that made me throw up. I went to all of my doctors appointments and listened to all their advice but it still wasn't enough, I still lost my baby. It just doesn't make sense to me, why when we did everything right did the worst thing possible happen?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Now onto my topic....remodeling.
The first house my husband and I owned was the definition of fixer upper. It was built in 1863 and had old wallpaper and disgusting linoleum covering up gorgeous wood floors. The bathroom was also literally falling down. My husband and I worked hard and we fixed up that house. Thankfully, my husband is very good at fixing things so we were able to do the work ourselves with help from some good friends. We ended up renting our first house out and moving closer to our parents in anticipation of starting a family.
The new house does not need a lot of work but it does need updating. Our living room has wood paneling that goes half way up each wall and the lighting fixtures are old. The carpet was new when we moved in, but it is very cheap and 1 of my dogs has peed on it numerous times. During 1 of our trips to home depot my husband and I decided it would be a good idea to put down ceramic tile in the living room and get rid of the carpet. This is good for a few reasons: 1. I have asthma and allergies and carpet traps allergens, 2. it is cheap carpet, 3. I am sick of renting a carpet cleaner because the dog has peed again, and 4. when it rains really hard, which it did this past summer, the rain can come in the house which can cause mold to grow (see reason 1). So, we bought the tile and did nothing for at least 5 months. Tonight that all changed! My husband and I had excess energy so we decided to run to Home Depot and get tools to lift up the ugly green tile that was under the carpet. We thought we would get half the living room done today and finish the other half later this week. The tile came up so easy we got it all up. The floor looks awful right now but we are well on our way to having an updated living room. My husband is going to tear down the poorly done ceiling and put up new sheet rock and recessed lighting. Then he will take out the ugly and outdated wood panelling and put up sheet rock and I can paint the room a color that coordinates with the new tile. I can not wait to have a fresh, updated living room!
We want to have all of this done by April 4th because we are planning to have friends and family over for Addison's Angelversary. The actual date of her Angelversary is April 3rd but we want to spend that day together.
I am finding that remodeling is a good place to put some of my mommy energy. I am also having fun doing something with my husband that we haven't done in a while. Is anyone else doing any fun or not so fun remodeling?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Since the day Addison died I said that is the last thing I want to hear. It doesn't even make sense! Was it really God's will to give my baby non-immune hydrops? Or make her heart twice the size of what it should have been? Or have her kidney's go into renal failure? I don't think it was. Saying it is God's will is what someone says when they don't know what else to say. In my opinion, if you don't know what to say, say nothing! It would mean more to me if the person gave me a hug or squeezed my hand sympathetically rather than say something if they don't know what to say. I really don't think that people realize that what they say to parents who have lost a child really impacts them. We really do remember the good and the bad things that are said to us.
Not long after I returned to work and before I got the autopsy results I had a co-worker tell me that the reason Addison died was because she was a girl and I was destined to have a boy. He said if I had been pregnant with a boy he would have lived. Then he asks me if I can't have a baby would I do a surrogate! I had not even received the autopsy results to know why Addison died and he is already assuming I can't have a live baby! The surprising part to this part of the story is, he has a baby! Those words really stuck with me so when my husband and I got the autopsy results I asked the pathologist if she had died because she was a girl. I explained why I was asking that question and after a moment of stunned silence she said absolutely not, it had noting to do with Addison's sex, it just happened and they don't know why it happened. Although the pathologist said it was not because Addison was a girl, I am still scared to get pregnant with a girl the next time. That comment will live in my head forever.
When people say these stupid and hurtful comments I freeze up. I can't even make a coherent thought, so I never tell them that what they are saying hurts me. Of course, later on I have all sorts of comments I wish I had said. I really wish just once I could tell the people that make these comments that what they are saying hurts and that their words last in my head long after our conversation. Maybe one day I will be able to.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I also get very judgmental when I see people who are pregnant who don't take care of themselves (the cigarette in their mouth proves this). I don't get how come they will have a healthy baby, yet I took care of myself starting before I even got pregnant and I lost my baby. Please realize that I don't think anyone should have to lose their baby, I just get mad that these women are not taking care of themselves which means they are also not taking care of their unborn baby.
Jealousy and bitterness really isn't attractive, is it? Maybe once I get pregnant again and have a healthy baby I will get over these nasty emotions.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I have friends and family that expect me to move on and to not still be grieving, but they just don’t understand you never get over the loss of your child. They also expect me to be the same person I was before this happened, they don’t understand that I am not and can not ever be that person again. When you lose a child, you lose not only your present, but large chunks of your future. When you get pregnant you visualize different stages of your life with that child in it, the day the baby comes home, the first steps and words, first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, first crush, marriage, grandchildren, all that is taken away when your child dies. I emailed my friends and family the Bereaved Parents Wish List and it helped some, but they still just don’t understand. I guess I need to stop expecting them to.
On a different note this wonderful women Cara started a Wall of Angels that has the names and pictures of the children that have died. As soon as I found this blog I emailed Cara to have Addison added to it. If you lost a child visit the blog and have Cara add your child to it. I think this is a great way to honor our children. http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/
Friday, January 30, 2009
I also feel guilty about trying to get pregnant so close to what should be Addison's first birthday. I feel like having another baby takes away from Addison. Logically I know that it doesn't, but logic doesn't really play a part in this. The funny thing is if Addi had lived John and I would probably be trying to have another baby around now anyway. We wanted our children close together in age. I thought about putting off trying until May but I just can't, I want a baby, I need one. Another baby won't replace Addi, I know that, but I think (hope) that having another baby will ease some of the grief.
Has anyone out there in blogger world dealt with this? Any tips are much appreciated.
Also, John and I are going to be buying a fetal doppler to try and ease some of the anxiety, does anyone have suggestions for which is the best one?
Monday, January 26, 2009
On June 18th when we had the actual appointment with my OB and the pathologist to go over the autopsy results, I was a wreck. The first thing the pathologist said after we were introduced was "let me see your hands", I thought it was a little odd but what the heck. I showed her my hands and she smiled "Your daughter had your hands and I can see from you wearing sandals, she had your toes". That was one of the best things I could have ever heard. She was my daughter! I may not have her to hold in my arms everyday, but I can look at my hands and toes and know I had passed them on to her.
The pathologist then went into all the results. She reiterated that Addison's heart was twice the size of what it should have been and that her kidneys were going into renal failure. She could not tell us what happened first or what caused it. Addison also had Non-Immune Hydrops, which is an accumulation of fluid in at least 2 fetal compartments. It is a prenatal form of heart failure. Non-Immune Hydrops can be caused from fetal anemia, which Addison had. The pathologist did say this rarely occurs twice, but they don't know why it occurs in the first place so those words were not very comforting. Addison's chromosome testing came back good so that was 1 positive thing we had learned that day. She also had said that my OB office had done everything they were supposed to and that they could not have prevented this from happening. I really want to believe that, but I am not sure that I do or can. On the way out of the office I told them I was switching practices because it was to hard to keep coming there. That was partially true. The other part is I did not really trust them to prevent this from happening to me in the future.
Once we left the office we went home and I took a nap because I was emotionally drained. I was in some ways glad that there were reasons why Addison died, but a small part of me had almost wanted them to say there was something wrong with the cord. Of course, once I thought this through I knew that was ridiculous, either way I will be panicked throughout my next pregnancy, especially when I get closer to delivery.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The next day the nurse asked us if it would be okay if the hospital chaplain came into see us. I said I do not want to hear the words it was god's will come out of her mouth and they assured me it wouldn't. The chaplain never said those words and was really very nice, but she had to ask us questions that we did not want to think about. Did we want Addison buried or cremated. We had already agreed to an autopsy because we wanted answers, but they had to know what to do next. John and I both did not want cremation we decided we wanted her buried. The next questions was what funeral home and where did we want her buried. These are things you just don't think about for your child. We should have been mapping out the route to take her home that had the least amount of traffic and potholes. Instead we get to decide what funeral home we want. We made the decisions the best way we could and I am not unhappy with what we choose. The funeral home was great, they preformed the service and provided everything from the cards to the casket for no charge.
At this point I am just numb, all I could focus on was the fact that I was going to deliver a dead baby. The doctor and nurse transferred me to the delivery room and told me they were going to break my water and then try one last time to see if they could get a heart beat. They were going to use something they could put in the uterus that actually attaches to the baby. They did say that I should realize that the first noise I will hear will be my heartbeat not the babies. When the doctor broke the water she said she could tell that the baby had been dead for awhile because of the color but she tried to get the heart beat anyway. Of course, there wasn't one.
I think this is the point when my mom and sister showed up but most of this day is a blur so forgive me if I get the timeline messed up.
In my birth plan I said I did not want an epidural, I wanted to try having natural birth. I changed my mind on that because, as I told the doctor, I wanted to feel numb. The anesthesiologist came in and put the epidural in. I hate needles and the thought of them putting one in my back while I was having contractions was not a fun thought. I had to lean over the side of the bed and my husband had to help hold me still in that position. He got really hot at this point and i think super overwhelmed from everything that had already gone on that morning that he almost passed out (although he denies this). The nurse made him take off his sweatshirt and lay down with his knees elevated and she took over for him. The doctor told the anesthesiologist to give me a high dose because they both did not think I need to feel any pain on top of everything else. This was nice for awhile but the problem was the contractions slowed done so they had to give me pitocin and lower the epidural. That is when the contractions really kicked in, god did they hurt! They upped the epidural again but not quite as high as it first was. My aunt and cousin came in at some point during this ordeal, which surprised me but I really appreciated them being there for John and I.
At some point my mom was left alone in the room with me and she just started crying. I had to snap at her and tell her to stop because I could not deal with it, I had to focus on delivering Addison and not on anything or anyone else.
On my way to the hospital I called my mom and told her to call out of work because I was in labor and on my way to the hospital. I also text messaged my sister to let her know. I was so excited on the way to the hospital, I was finally going to have my baby girl!
When we got to the hospital they brought us into the examination room and started hooking us up to the fetal heart rate monitor and the other one that measures the contractions. The heart rate monitor could not pick up a heart rate but I wasn't worried because I had been to the doctors 2 days before and everything was fine. They had also a hard time finding the heart rate but they did find it and said everything sounded fine. The nurse said she was going to get an ultrasound machine to see how the baby was positioned and to get the heart rate. She cam back in and could not find it still. At this point I am getting a little worried, but the nurse said she was going to get yet another ultra sound machine and the on call OB would do the ultrasound. Why John and I were waiting for them to come back in I was getting very worried. I started wiggling my belly and telling Addi to wake up and stop playing games because she was worrying her mommy and daddy. I don't know how long it took for the doctor to come in but it felt like forever. She tried to find the heart rate with the 2nd ultrasound machine and couldn't. At this point she put the machine off and looked at John and I with tears in her eyes and said "I'm sorry, your baby does not have a heart beat". I think I went into shock at the point. I think I yelled No! and covered my face with my hands. I refused to believe it, she had been fine 2 days before and I had felt her move the night before.