Friday, April 3, 2009

Firsts

I have a hard time believing that it is already what should be Addison's first birthday. I have been thinking a lot about the other firsts we should be experiencing. Her first diaper, first smile, first cold, first tooth, first time she slept through the night, first time she crawled, first steps, first word, so many firsts that I will never experience with her. Today is another, her first birthday.

We have not really done a lot today because we are preparing for her Angelversary party that we are having tomorrow. We did go to the cemetary and I put candles at the head of her headstone and planted some pansies at the bottom of it.

As we were leaving the cemetary, that is the one and only time I have cried so far today. I almost feel like that makes me a bad mom, because I only cried once. Shouldn't I be crying all day? I don't know, maybe I just can't let it out right now. I just feel numb.
Addison,
On your 1st birthday mommy is thinking of you and loves you so much! I miss you every second of every day! You are always is in my heart.
Love,
Mommy
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5 comments:

  1. Justin's MomApril 3, 2009 at 6:36 PM

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  2. Justin's MomApril 3, 2009 at 6:38 PM

    Happy Angelversary Addison! Jean and John I hope you are doing the best you can be on this sad and happy day. Hugs to both of you!

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  3. Mommy (You can call me OM)April 4, 2009 at 12:16 AM

    I wish I could make this all better for you, for all of us. You are absolutely not a bad mom for crying 'too little', but I don't know what you are saying. I tend to feel my worst when I can't cry and just carry that heaviness in my heart. Crying releases all that (OK, never ALL) toxic energy. If you need a good cry, find some moving music and Addison pictures. Sit, listen, look. Regardless, 'mommy guilt' is ever present. Don't try to give into it. Addison KNOWS you love her.
    Peace.

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  4. Mommy (You can call me OM)April 4, 2009 at 12:16 AM

    That was supposed to read DO know what you are saying. Sorry. :)

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  5. Lisa DGApril 4, 2009 at 7:03 PM

    I walk with you in sadness today. Of course you are a wonderful mom and never question that. All Addison ever knew was the power of your love. Be gentle with yourself, J.

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