Sunday, April 18, 2010

I hate April!

As if I needed 1 more reason to hate April. On April 10th my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My sister, husband, Tyler and myself were in Washington DC on vacation when we got the call from my mom. We had driven down so we were about 8 hours away. That was the longest drive of my life. We only stopped twice on the way home and thankfully Ty slept most of the way. Once we got home I started reliving what I had experienced 2 years ago. I had to help my mom and sister plan the wake and funeral and decide where to bury my dad. My parents, like a lot of couples, had never discussed what they wanted. We decided to bury my dad at the same cemetery as Addison so they could be close. The day my dad died I said the only silver lining is that he can be with Addison and she gets to be with her Grandpa.

Right now I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to continue being an effective mother to Ty and deal with all his needs when I have to grieve my dad and I don't feel like I really can. I want to do what I did after Addison and that's sleep until I am strong enough to deal with all these emotions and having a 4 month old baby makes that impossible. Below are pictures of my dad.

My dad with Addison then and now (I hope)

My dad with Tyler

My dad, sister and me


10/14/1950 ~ 4/10/2010

I love you and miss you!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Closer and Closer

The day is almost here. The day I dread more than any other day and this year we get the added bonus of Easter being the day after. Again this year we are having friends and family over to help us remember Addison. Of course some of those family and friends have already said they can't stay for long because they need to get ready for Easter. I know I should be grateful that they are coming at all, but would they do the same thing if Addison was here for her 2nd birthday?

I have been shopping for things for the Angelversary, do you know how hard it is to shop for a remembrance ceremony as opposed to a birthday party? I just wanted to cry the whole time we were shopping. My sister and I are going to make 2 butterfly cakes and decorate them. We have never done this before so I hope they come out good. My sister is also making Rice Krispie treat flowers and butterflies because that was how Addison's room was decorated. I really wish I could be doing this and more for her birthday and that she would be here to enjoy it. I hope she can see what we are doing and appreciate it from wherever she is. I also hope that she is able to celebrate her birthday and have cake and balloons. I am sure she is with all her friends that had to leave their mommy and daddies to soon as well.

Dealing with the grief of losing Addison never gets easier. I went tanning the other day and saw another baby lost momma who asked how I was, not realizing what Saturday is, as soon as she asked I started crying and couldn't speak. I still never know what will start me crying, but I hate doing it in public. I always try to hold it in because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. I need to stop thinking about everyone else's feelings and concentrate on my own. I need to cry and get it out or else it just builds and builds and the littlest thing will set me off.

Saturday is supposed to be gorgeous here. I think it's Addison's way of smiling down on us and telling us she loves us as much as we love her. Cross your fingers that everything will go as smoothly as possible and that the cakes will turn out beautiful!