Lost

I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I was before I was told Addison didn't have a heartbeat, but I struggle with who I have become since then. I am not the same person. Things that mattered before don't matter anymore. I know I have distanced myself from my friends and some of my family because I honestly don't feel like I have that much in common with them anymore. They can't and don't understand what it is like to lose a child and I don't want them to know what it is like. As Addison's Angelversary approaches I feel myself pulling away more and more. I don't want to lose my friends or push them away but I can't stop myself. I just want to figure out who I am now and how the new me fits in my old world.

I have never been a big crier but lately that is all I feel like doing. The littlest things set me off. This song by Carrie Underwood sets me off every time, specifically the chorus and the part where the preacher hands her a folded up flag. That part reminds me that all I have left of Addi are a few pieces of her hair and a folded up blanket with the little pink hat she wore inside it.

I remember how happy I was this time last year, thinking Addi is almost here! I am going to be bringing my baby home and I will get to be her mommy and love her and play with her and of course show her off. That never happened though. I still get to be her mommy and love her, but not the way I was planning to. I find myself thinking a lot of last year before Addi was born and then about the couple of weeks after she was born. I still find it hard to believe that my life changed so drastically in an instant, but it did and I will never be the same.