Ten months ago life as I knew it changed for good. Ten months ago I lost my baby girl. My life is so drastically different that what I had thought and hoped it would be. When I was told that Addison had died, a lot of my hopes and dreams died with her. I didn’t know if I would be able to go on without her. Obviously I have, but it is a struggle. The 3rd of the month is always the worst day. I have a hard time focusing on anything but the fact that my daughter should be ______ many months old. I think about what stage she would be at and what we would be doing with her. It is hard to fathom that I have been without Addison longer than I was pregnant with her. In two short months it will have been a year since I went to the hospital excited that Addison was finally going to be coming home with me, only to be told she would never come home with me.
I have friends and family that expect me to move on and to not still be grieving, but they just don’t understand you never get over the loss of your child. They also expect me to be the same person I was before this happened, they don’t understand that I am not and can not ever be that person again. When you lose a child, you lose not only your present, but large chunks of your future. When you get pregnant you visualize different stages of your life with that child in it, the day the baby comes home, the first steps and words, first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, first crush, marriage, grandchildren, all that is taken away when your child dies. I emailed my friends and family the Bereaved Parents Wish List and it helped some, but they still just don’t understand. I guess I need to stop expecting them to.
On a different note this wonderful women Cara started a Wall of Angels that has the names and pictures of the children that have died. As soon as I found this blog I emailed Cara to have Addison added to it. If you lost a child visit the blog and have Cara add your child to it. I think this is a great way to honor our children. http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/
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I added your blog to the Baby Loss Directory yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI wish Addison was here with you now. I'm so so sorry she's not here. It's the worst thing any parent should go through, to lose their precious beloved child.
A lot of people just don't understand. The ones who do, with some rare exceptions, tend to be the ones with first hand experience.
For me it's not something you "get over" it's something you only learn to live with, this terrible event outside of your control that happened which you reject with your whole being.
I'm so sorry, Addi's Mom. I hope blogging will help you as it did me.
love Rosepetal
I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your beautiful daughter. What a heart wrenching loss.
ReplyDeleteWe don't get over the loss of our child. You are right, all of your hopes and dreams die with your child. My heart aches for you and the loss of your beautiful Addison.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you find the support you need here in blogland. It has helped me tremendously.
Wishing you peace and strength.