Birth Story Part 3

The doctor came in to see how I was progressing and told me that the head was not down enough so I had to get on all fours and swing my hips from side to side to drop the head. Let me tell you that is not fun when you have an epidural in and when you have strong contractions. A little bit later the doctor came back in to check me again and said I could start trying to push. Now for me it took a little bit to figure out just how to do this right, so it ended up taking 4.5 hours of pushing for Addison to come all the way out. She was a BIG girl! She was 9lbs 14oz and 21.5 in long! When I was pushing her out I felt like I was tearing myself in 2! I knew I was bleeding quite a bit and that I would need an episiotomy. Once I had fully delivered Addi the nurses took her to do what they had to do and the doctor started sewing me up. They had to give me a pain reliever because it hurt so much for her to touch me.

Once the doctor was done, the nurse asked me if we wanted to see Addison. What kind of question was that?! Of course we did! They brought her in, wrapped in a white blanket, with a multicolored blanket draped over that and she had a hand knit pink hat on. She was gorgeous! She had the tiniest nose for such a big girl.

We had my family that was there come in to see her. Everyone who wanted to held her and we took quite a bit of pictures. Thankfully a very caring family who had lost their first daughter had provided the hospital with cameras for parents like John and I so we can take pictures. I really don't know if I would have even thought of doing it otherwise. We had Addison stay with us for about 6 hours. A very kind nurse came in at one point and asked if we would like Addison baptised. John and I are both not very religious but it is something we both wanted. The nurse was so gentle when she preformed the baptism. She also offered to cut of a few pieces of Addi's hair so we could have it with us. I am glad that the nurses offered to do these things because John and I were to numb and in shock to think of them ourselves.

When we were to be transferred out of the delivery room we said our goodbyes to Addison, which was the hardest thing we ever had to do. We both agreed that this was going to be the only time we held her because if we kept asking for her back, the harder it would be to let go.

That night in the hospital John and I could not share a bed but he pulled his little chair that folds out to a bed as close as he could to me so we could be close.
The next day the nurse asked us if it would be okay if the hospital chaplain came into see us. I said I do not want to hear the words it was god's will come out of her mouth and they assured me it wouldn't. The chaplain never said those words and was really very nice, but she had to ask us questions that we did not want to think about. Did we want Addison buried or cremated. We had already agreed to an autopsy because we wanted answers, but they had to know what to do next. John and I both did not want cremation we decided we wanted her buried. The next questions was what funeral home and where did we want her buried. These are things you just don't think about for your child. We should have been mapping out the route to take her home that had the least amount of traffic and potholes. Instead we get to decide what funeral home we want. We made the decisions the best way we could and I am not unhappy with what we choose. The funeral home was great, they preformed the service and provided everything from the cards to the casket for no charge.

When we went to leave the hospital, it was so hard! We had to walk out of the Childbirth Center and down the long hallway to the exit doors to start this new chapter of our lives without our daughter. At times this feels impossible at other times I have a hard time believing this ever happened to us. All I have to do is look at the stretch marks on my belly or go into what should have been Addi's bedroom to know it did happen.