Autopsy Results

After Addison was born they asked John and I if we wanted an autopsy preformed to see if they could find out what had happened. The doctor had told us that most of the time autopsies don't tell the doctors anything and the death gets labeled as a cord accident. Regardless of this, John and I wanted an autopsy performed. We were originally told that it would take 4-6 weeks to get all the autopsy results in, this was not the case with us. Addison died on April 3rd and it took until June 18th for us to get the full results of the autopsy. Part of me dreaded the autopsy results and the other part just wanted to know what happened. The worst part of it taking so long to get the full results was my OB would call me at work or on my way home from work and give me results in dribs and drabs. The first time this happened I was on lunch in my work's break room. The doctor is using words I don't understand and telling me how my beautiful daughter's heart was twice the size of what it was supposed to be, her kidneys had started to go into renal failure and there had been a problem with her red blood cells. To get this information over the phone and while I was at work was awful! I am trying not to sob while I am talking to him and trying to ask questions, but it was not easy. Once I got off the phone I just laid my head on the table and cried. I had 2 co-workers on lunch with me who just came over and put their arms around me and asked me what had happened. I told them the best I could in between sobs and they also started crying. Nobody could believe this had happened to me. (I still don't understand why the doctor could not ask me to come in so he could tell me this stuff face to face. As if going back to work after losing Addison wasn't hard enough, now I had to hear the autopsy results while I was at work.) I had asked the doctor during this phone conversation why they had not detected any of this at the ultrasound I had had on March 21st. He, of course, said it had all happened really fast so it was not detectable then.
On June 18th when we had the actual appointment with my OB and the pathologist to go over the autopsy results, I was a wreck. The first thing the pathologist said after we were introduced was "let me see your hands", I thought it was a little odd but what the heck. I showed her my hands and she smiled "Your daughter had your hands and I can see from you wearing sandals, she had your toes". That was one of the best things I could have ever heard. She was my daughter! I may not have her to hold in my arms everyday, but I can look at my hands and toes and know I had passed them on to her.
The pathologist then went into all the results. She reiterated that Addison's heart was twice the size of what it should have been and that her kidneys were going into renal failure. She could not tell us what happened first or what caused it. Addison also had Non-Immune Hydrops, which is an accumulation of fluid in at least 2 fetal compartments. It is a prenatal form of heart failure. Non-Immune Hydrops can be caused from fetal anemia, which Addison had. The pathologist did say this rarely occurs twice, but they don't know why it occurs in the first place so those words were not very comforting. Addison's chromosome testing came back good so that was 1 positive thing we had learned that day. She also had said that my OB office had done everything they were supposed to and that they could not have prevented this from happening. I really want to believe that, but I am not sure that I do or can. On the way out of the office I told them I was switching practices because it was to hard to keep coming there. That was partially true. The other part is I did not really trust them to prevent this from happening to me in the future.
Once we left the office we went home and I took a nap because I was emotionally drained. I was in some ways glad that there were reasons why Addison died, but a small part of me had almost wanted them to say there was something wrong with the cord. Of course, once I thought this through I knew that was ridiculous, either way I will be panicked throughout my next pregnancy, especially when I get closer to delivery.