Remodeling

First, I want to thank everyone for their comments on my blog. It helps knowing there are people out there who are reading it.
Now onto my topic....remodeling.
The first house my husband and I owned was the definition of fixer upper. It was built in 1863 and had old wallpaper and disgusting linoleum covering up gorgeous wood floors. The bathroom was also literally falling down. My husband and I worked hard and we fixed up that house. Thankfully, my husband is very good at fixing things so we were able to do the work ourselves with help from some good friends. We ended up renting our first house out and moving closer to our parents in anticipation of starting a family.
The new house does not need a lot of work but it does need updating. Our living room has wood paneling that goes half way up each wall and the lighting fixtures are old. The carpet was new when we moved in, but it is very cheap and 1 of my dogs has peed on it numerous times. During 1 of our trips to home depot my husband and I decided it would be a good idea to put down ceramic tile in the living room and get rid of the carpet. This is good for a few reasons: 1. I have asthma and allergies and carpet traps allergens, 2. it is cheap carpet, 3. I am sick of renting a carpet cleaner because the dog has peed again, and 4. when it rains really hard, which it did this past summer, the rain can come in the house which can cause mold to grow (see reason 1). So, we bought the tile and did nothing for at least 5 months. Tonight that all changed! My husband and I had excess energy so we decided to run to Home Depot and get tools to lift up the ugly green tile that was under the carpet. We thought we would get half the living room done today and finish the other half later this week. The tile came up so easy we got it all up. The floor looks awful right now but we are well on our way to having an updated living room. My husband is going to tear down the poorly done ceiling and put up new sheet rock and recessed lighting. Then he will take out the ugly and outdated wood panelling and put up sheet rock and I can paint the room a color that coordinates with the new tile. I can not wait to have a fresh, updated living room!
We want to have all of this done by April 4th because we are planning to have friends and family over for Addison's Angelversary. The actual date of her Angelversary is April 3rd but we want to spend that day together.
I am finding that remodeling is a good place to put some of my mommy energy. I am also having fun doing something with my husband that we haven't done in a while. Is anyone else doing any fun or not so fun remodeling?

Ignorant Comments

Today my husband and I went furniture shopping at a small town store where the clerk knew me. I had not seen her since before Addison was born so I did not know if she knew that Addison had died. I am still not comfortable broaching the topic so I did not bring it up. About 1/2 way into the conversation she said she was sorry for our loss. I thanked her and nodded my head sadly when she said it was hard. She then said it was similar to when the doctors told her daughter, who is 6 months pregnant, that there was something wrong with the baby and they may need to abort the baby. I, of course, become immediately sympathetic. She then continues and says they ran tests and it turns out everything is fine. At this point I start getting upset, this is in no way similar to my circumstances. Yes, initially the doctors told her daughter she may have to abort the baby, so she would have also lost a baby. However, the baby is going to be fine, so no, it is not the same. Then she tells me it was God's will that Addison had died.

Since the day Addison died I said that is the last thing I want to hear. It doesn't even make sense! Was it really God's will to give my baby non-immune hydrops? Or make her heart twice the size of what it should have been? Or have her kidney's go into renal failure? I don't think it was. Saying it is God's will is what someone says when they don't know what else to say. In my opinion, if you don't know what to say, say nothing! It would mean more to me if the person gave me a hug or squeezed my hand sympathetically rather than say something if they don't know what to say. I really don't think that people realize that what they say to parents who have lost a child really impacts them. We really do remember the good and the bad things that are said to us.

Not long after I returned to work and before I got the autopsy results I had a co-worker tell me that the reason Addison died was because she was a girl and I was destined to have a boy. He said if I had been pregnant with a boy he would have lived. Then he asks me if I can't have a baby would I do a surrogate! I had not even received the autopsy results to know why Addison died and he is already assuming I can't have a live baby! The surprising part to this part of the story is, he has a baby! Those words really stuck with me so when my husband and I got the autopsy results I asked the pathologist if she had died because she was a girl. I explained why I was asking that question and after a moment of stunned silence she said absolutely not, it had noting to do with Addison's sex, it just happened and they don't know why it happened. Although the pathologist said it was not because Addison was a girl, I am still scared to get pregnant with a girl the next time. That comment will live in my head forever.

When people say these stupid and hurtful comments I freeze up. I can't even make a coherent thought, so I never tell them that what they are saying hurts me. Of course, later on I have all sorts of comments I wish I had said. I really wish just once I could tell the people that make these comments that what they are saying hurts and that their words last in my head long after our conversation. Maybe one day I will be able to.

Is it just me?

I really feel like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or they just had a baby. Am I the only one who feels this way? It really devastates me when I see a pregnant person. I want to yell and scream, "I was pregnant too!" And "Be Careful because bad things can happen after the first trimester, they can even happen at full term!", but I don't say these things, I keep it locked inside of me and smile and say congratulations like your supposed to. When I hear that a friend or acquaintance has had a baby my heart breaks because they have what I should have and what I want more than words can say.
I also get very judgmental when I see people who are pregnant who don't take care of themselves (the cigarette in their mouth proves this). I don't get how come they will have a healthy baby, yet I took care of myself starting before I even got pregnant and I lost my baby. Please realize that I don't think anyone should have to lose their baby, I just get mad that these women are not taking care of themselves which means they are also not taking care of their unborn baby.
Jealousy and bitterness really isn't attractive, is it? Maybe once I get pregnant again and have a healthy baby I will get over these nasty emotions.

Ten Months

Ten months ago life as I knew it changed for good. Ten months ago I lost my baby girl. My life is so drastically different that what I had thought and hoped it would be. When I was told that Addison had died, a lot of my hopes and dreams died with her. I didn’t know if I would be able to go on without her. Obviously I have, but it is a struggle. The 3rd of the month is always the worst day. I have a hard time focusing on anything but the fact that my daughter should be ______ many months old. I think about what stage she would be at and what we would be doing with her. It is hard to fathom that I have been without Addison longer than I was pregnant with her. In two short months it will have been a year since I went to the hospital excited that Addison was finally going to be coming home with me, only to be told she would never come home with me.
I have friends and family that expect me to move on and to not still be grieving, but they just don’t understand you never get over the loss of your child. They also expect me to be the same person I was before this happened, they don’t understand that I am not and can not ever be that person again. When you lose a child, you lose not only your present, but large chunks of your future. When you get pregnant you visualize different stages of your life with that child in it, the day the baby comes home, the first steps and words, first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, first crush, marriage, grandchildren, all that is taken away when your child dies. I emailed my friends and family the Bereaved Parents Wish List and it helped some, but they still just don’t understand. I guess I need to stop expecting them to.


On a different note this wonderful women Cara started a Wall of Angels that has the names and pictures of the children that have died. As soon as I found this blog I emailed Cara to have Addison added to it. If you lost a child visit the blog and have Cara add your child to it. I think this is a great way to honor our children. http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/

Subsequent Pregnancy-Am I Crazy!?

My husband and I just got done booking a trip to Washington DC for March, right about the time we want to start trying to have another baby. As much as we both want another baby, I sometimes think we are crazy. Why would we want to put ourselves through another pregnancy knowing the baby could die? I know the doctors and specialists said it usually does not reocur, but that is not a big comfort. I am so paranoid that something bad will happen I have already called my ob office and asked them to run some blood work to see if everything looks good. Thankfully, my ob office does not think I am crazy and they ordered the tests. Of course everything came back fine, but it I needed to do it to reassure me. They also told me that it is good to be cautious. This reminds me yet again why I am glad that I switched practices.
I also feel guilty about trying to get pregnant so close to what should be Addison's first birthday. I feel like having another baby takes away from Addison. Logically I know that it doesn't, but logic doesn't really play a part in this. The funny thing is if Addi had lived John and I would probably be trying to have another baby around now anyway. We wanted our children close together in age. I thought about putting off trying until May but I just can't, I want a baby, I need one. Another baby won't replace Addi, I know that, but I think (hope) that having another baby will ease some of the grief.
Has anyone out there in blogger world dealt with this? Any tips are much appreciated.
Also, John and I are going to be buying a fetal doppler to try and ease some of the anxiety, does anyone have suggestions for which is the best one?

Autopsy Results

After Addison was born they asked John and I if we wanted an autopsy preformed to see if they could find out what had happened. The doctor had told us that most of the time autopsies don't tell the doctors anything and the death gets labeled as a cord accident. Regardless of this, John and I wanted an autopsy performed. We were originally told that it would take 4-6 weeks to get all the autopsy results in, this was not the case with us. Addison died on April 3rd and it took until June 18th for us to get the full results of the autopsy. Part of me dreaded the autopsy results and the other part just wanted to know what happened. The worst part of it taking so long to get the full results was my OB would call me at work or on my way home from work and give me results in dribs and drabs. The first time this happened I was on lunch in my work's break room. The doctor is using words I don't understand and telling me how my beautiful daughter's heart was twice the size of what it was supposed to be, her kidneys had started to go into renal failure and there had been a problem with her red blood cells. To get this information over the phone and while I was at work was awful! I am trying not to sob while I am talking to him and trying to ask questions, but it was not easy. Once I got off the phone I just laid my head on the table and cried. I had 2 co-workers on lunch with me who just came over and put their arms around me and asked me what had happened. I told them the best I could in between sobs and they also started crying. Nobody could believe this had happened to me. (I still don't understand why the doctor could not ask me to come in so he could tell me this stuff face to face. As if going back to work after losing Addison wasn't hard enough, now I had to hear the autopsy results while I was at work.) I had asked the doctor during this phone conversation why they had not detected any of this at the ultrasound I had had on March 21st. He, of course, said it had all happened really fast so it was not detectable then.
On June 18th when we had the actual appointment with my OB and the pathologist to go over the autopsy results, I was a wreck. The first thing the pathologist said after we were introduced was "let me see your hands", I thought it was a little odd but what the heck. I showed her my hands and she smiled "Your daughter had your hands and I can see from you wearing sandals, she had your toes". That was one of the best things I could have ever heard. She was my daughter! I may not have her to hold in my arms everyday, but I can look at my hands and toes and know I had passed them on to her.
The pathologist then went into all the results. She reiterated that Addison's heart was twice the size of what it should have been and that her kidneys were going into renal failure. She could not tell us what happened first or what caused it. Addison also had Non-Immune Hydrops, which is an accumulation of fluid in at least 2 fetal compartments. It is a prenatal form of heart failure. Non-Immune Hydrops can be caused from fetal anemia, which Addison had. The pathologist did say this rarely occurs twice, but they don't know why it occurs in the first place so those words were not very comforting. Addison's chromosome testing came back good so that was 1 positive thing we had learned that day. She also had said that my OB office had done everything they were supposed to and that they could not have prevented this from happening. I really want to believe that, but I am not sure that I do or can. On the way out of the office I told them I was switching practices because it was to hard to keep coming there. That was partially true. The other part is I did not really trust them to prevent this from happening to me in the future.
Once we left the office we went home and I took a nap because I was emotionally drained. I was in some ways glad that there were reasons why Addison died, but a small part of me had almost wanted them to say there was something wrong with the cord. Of course, once I thought this through I knew that was ridiculous, either way I will be panicked throughout my next pregnancy, especially when I get closer to delivery.

Birth Story Part 3

The doctor came in to see how I was progressing and told me that the head was not down enough so I had to get on all fours and swing my hips from side to side to drop the head. Let me tell you that is not fun when you have an epidural in and when you have strong contractions. A little bit later the doctor came back in to check me again and said I could start trying to push. Now for me it took a little bit to figure out just how to do this right, so it ended up taking 4.5 hours of pushing for Addison to come all the way out. She was a BIG girl! She was 9lbs 14oz and 21.5 in long! When I was pushing her out I felt like I was tearing myself in 2! I knew I was bleeding quite a bit and that I would need an episiotomy. Once I had fully delivered Addi the nurses took her to do what they had to do and the doctor started sewing me up. They had to give me a pain reliever because it hurt so much for her to touch me.

Once the doctor was done, the nurse asked me if we wanted to see Addison. What kind of question was that?! Of course we did! They brought her in, wrapped in a white blanket, with a multicolored blanket draped over that and she had a hand knit pink hat on. She was gorgeous! She had the tiniest nose for such a big girl.

We had my family that was there come in to see her. Everyone who wanted to held her and we took quite a bit of pictures. Thankfully a very caring family who had lost their first daughter had provided the hospital with cameras for parents like John and I so we can take pictures. I really don't know if I would have even thought of doing it otherwise. We had Addison stay with us for about 6 hours. A very kind nurse came in at one point and asked if we would like Addison baptised. John and I are both not very religious but it is something we both wanted. The nurse was so gentle when she preformed the baptism. She also offered to cut of a few pieces of Addi's hair so we could have it with us. I am glad that the nurses offered to do these things because John and I were to numb and in shock to think of them ourselves.

When we were to be transferred out of the delivery room we said our goodbyes to Addison, which was the hardest thing we ever had to do. We both agreed that this was going to be the only time we held her because if we kept asking for her back, the harder it would be to let go.

That night in the hospital John and I could not share a bed but he pulled his little chair that folds out to a bed as close as he could to me so we could be close.
The next day the nurse asked us if it would be okay if the hospital chaplain came into see us. I said I do not want to hear the words it was god's will come out of her mouth and they assured me it wouldn't. The chaplain never said those words and was really very nice, but she had to ask us questions that we did not want to think about. Did we want Addison buried or cremated. We had already agreed to an autopsy because we wanted answers, but they had to know what to do next. John and I both did not want cremation we decided we wanted her buried. The next questions was what funeral home and where did we want her buried. These are things you just don't think about for your child. We should have been mapping out the route to take her home that had the least amount of traffic and potholes. Instead we get to decide what funeral home we want. We made the decisions the best way we could and I am not unhappy with what we choose. The funeral home was great, they preformed the service and provided everything from the cards to the casket for no charge.

When we went to leave the hospital, it was so hard! We had to walk out of the Childbirth Center and down the long hallway to the exit doors to start this new chapter of our lives without our daughter. At times this feels impossible at other times I have a hard time believing this ever happened to us. All I have to do is look at the stretch marks on my belly or go into what should have been Addi's bedroom to know it did happen.