I hate April!

As if I needed 1 more reason to hate April. On April 10th my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My sister, husband, Tyler and myself were in Washington DC on vacation when we got the call from my mom. We had driven down so we were about 8 hours away. That was the longest drive of my life. We only stopped twice on the way home and thankfully Ty slept most of the way. Once we got home I started reliving what I had experienced 2 years ago. I had to help my mom and sister plan the wake and funeral and decide where to bury my dad. My parents, like a lot of couples, had never discussed what they wanted. We decided to bury my dad at the same cemetery as Addison so they could be close. The day my dad died I said the only silver lining is that he can be with Addison and she gets to be with her Grandpa.

Right now I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to continue being an effective mother to Ty and deal with all his needs when I have to grieve my dad and I don't feel like I really can. I want to do what I did after Addison and that's sleep until I am strong enough to deal with all these emotions and having a 4 month old baby makes that impossible. Below are pictures of my dad.

My dad with Addison then and now (I hope)

My dad with Tyler

My dad, sister and me

RIP Dad

10/14/1950 ~ 4/10/2010

I love you and miss you!

Closer and Closer

The day is almost here. The day I dread more than any other day and this year we get the added bonus of Easter being the day after. Again this year we are having friends and family over to help us remember Addison. Of course some of those family and friends have already said they can't stay for long because they need to get ready for Easter. I know I should be grateful that they are coming at all, but would they do the same thing if Addison was here for her 2nd birthday?

I have been shopping for things for the Angelversary, do you know how hard it is to shop for a remembrance ceremony as opposed to a birthday party? I just wanted to cry the whole time we were shopping. My sister and I are going to make 2 butterfly cakes and decorate them. We have never done this before so I hope they come out good. My sister is also making Rice Krispie treat flowers and butterflies because that was how Addison's room was decorated. I really wish I could be doing this and more for her birthday and that she would be here to enjoy it. I hope she can see what we are doing and appreciate it from wherever she is. I also hope that she is able to celebrate her birthday and have cake and balloons. I am sure she is with all her friends that had to leave their mommy and daddies to soon as well.

Dealing with the grief of losing Addison never gets easier. I went tanning the other day and saw another baby lost momma who asked how I was, not realizing what Saturday is, as soon as she asked I started crying and couldn't speak. I still never know what will start me crying, but I hate doing it in public. I always try to hold it in because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. I need to stop thinking about everyone else's feelings and concentrate on my own. I need to cry and get it out or else it just builds and builds and the littlest thing will set me off.

Saturday is supposed to be gorgeous here. I think it's Addison's way of smiling down on us and telling us she loves us as much as we love her. Cross your fingers that everything will go as smoothly as possible and that the cakes will turn out beautiful!

Here it comes again

Time is fast approaching what should be Addison's 2nd birthday and instead it is her 2nd Angelversary. I have been very emotional lately and trying not to let it show. I cry watching TV shows that show moms and daughters or fathers and daughters, I cry listening to songs on the radio and I cry when I read the book Love You Forever to Tyler.
All I keep thinking about is that I should have my almost 2 year old daughter running around my house, at times driving me nuts because she won't be quiet when Tyler is sleeping and at time melting my heart because she is loving her brother so much.
I feel so guilty that Tyler will never get to meet his sister and that my husband and family will never get to see her grow up. I still feel that it is my fault that Addison is not here, why didn't I know that something was wrong? Maybe I could have saved her? These questions never fully go away, but they are much more present as her Angelversary approaches. I also am remembering how I felt at this point 2 years ago. I was so excited that it was almost time to meet Addison face to face, I wasn't at all scared of labor and delivery, I just wanted her here! I want to go back and feel her kick me and some how find a way to save her so she can be here now.

Photo Shoot and Birth Announcement

Tyler had his first photo shoot the other day. He slept through most of it, although he did wake up when my friend Jessica (the photographer) tried to move his hand out from under him. He is very particular about how he sleeps and doesn't like people moving him. He also woke up for the last set of pictures, he looks so alert and older than he is in those shots. The pictures came out so cute! If your interested in seeing them visit my friends website. I can't wait to keep doing more photo shoots and then comparing pictures as he gets older.

This weekend I submitted Tyler's birth announcement to our local paper. There is a place to add a siblings name, I hesitated for a second and then put in Addison's name. Tyler is going to know he has a sister and I think the whole world should know as well. She may not be here the way we want, but she is still his sister and is a huge part of our family.

Introducing Tyler Joseph....

Tyler Joseph entered this world at 4:11pm on Friday December 18th, 2009. He weighed 8 lbs 7.7 oz and measured 21.5 inches long. The birth was not exactly as planned. I went into the hospital on Thursday night for cervidal and the pitocin was started Friday morning. My cervix was dilating as it should, however, Tyler's head would not engage. He was head down but he would not engage and he lifted his head to the right. At about 2:45 the Doctor came in to check me and discuss options. Tyler had moved his head over more. The doctor told me my options were to keep moving towards a natural delivery, but her concerns were the contractions could cause my water to break and the umbilical cord could fall and become compressed instead of his head engaging which would require an emergency c-section. My other option was to have a c-section. My concern with that is the potential complications and that I can never be induced again, although I can opt for a c-section. John and I discussed it and decided to do the c-section because I did not want to take any chances that something could go wrong and I did not to be rushed into an emergency c-section later on.

I have to say having a c-section takes away some of the stress of delivery. I knew when I went into the operating room that Tyler was still alive and would be in my arms within 30 minutes. The spinal was awesome! I did not feel a thing. Tyler was taken out of my belly and started screaming! He was placed in the heated crib where I could see him and the pediatrician checked him out and came right to me to say he looked great! After he was checked out, John was able to hold him and bring him over to me. I was so happy to see my son and know he was alive and healthy!

The following are pictures of my Ty guy. Isn't he gorgeous?! I love him to pieces and have such a hard time not holding him and snuggling him 24/7.

At the hospital

Sleepy man

First Christmas

Christmas Eve

First visit to see Addison

6 days to go!

In 6 days I should be holding my little man in my arms! I am being induced on Friday December 18th. I really can't wait. I go in Thursday night at 6 pm to get cervidal and then first thing Friday they start the pitocin. Of course this is dependent on whether or not Tyler gets in the right position. Right now he is transverse. He is refusing to get into the birthing position! I blame John and I, when I first got pregnant we called him Nemo and told him to just keep swimming. Apparently, this is the only thing he wants to do. He moves all over the place, he doesn't really kick that much because he is to busy doing flips:) During ultrasounds they have a hard time doing measurements or getting a good reading on the umbilical cord because he is always moving. I think its great because it is reassuring to me that he is doing well, I just wish he would get in the proper position so I can do a natural birth. I have an ultrasound Tuesday and if he hasn't moved then the doctors will have to decide if they are going to do a version or a c-section. Due to the fact that I have gestational diabetes there are risks to both options. With a version they could get him in the right position and he could move again because of the fluid level. With a c-section there could be risks for me as far as infection and things like that. As long as Tyler comes out alive and healthy I am willing to take any risks necessary!
The next time I post I will be holding my little man in my arms!

Happy Holidays to all!

Update 32 weeks 6 days

The past few weeks have not been fun for me. I have had bronchitis for 3 weeks and it will not go away. I have asthma so it is taking longer to get better than it might for someone without asthma. I have to take a steroid inhaler and an albuterol inhaler. I have also been exposed to swine flu so I am on Tami flu as a precaution. I did get the vaccination, but that was a day prior to being exposed to it and since I am sick already they are not taking any chances. I will have to get a booster of the vaccine in a month. On top of all this I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and will have to start insulin tomorrow. I really just wanted an uneventful pregnancy and did not want to have to take medicine. I am getting very stressed out and frustrated. I just want it to be safe for Tyler to be born so I can hold him in my arms, then this will all be worth it.

I did have my second fetal echo Monday and Tyler is doing very well. He was moving and flipping around a lot! They told me that he is about 5lbs 1 oz. I am definitely using an epidural when I deliver him if he is this big already. I still have 6-7 weeks to go and I can't imagine how big he is going to get in that time frame. All I need is to be able to breathe well when I do go into labor so I don't have to worry about that in addition to the stress I will feel anyway once I go into labor.

I have weekly BPP ultrasounds and doctors appointments to really monitor Tyler and I and to make sure what happened with Addison does not happen again. I really love the doctors I have now. They are so understanding and never make me feel stupid or as if I am bothering them. If it wasn't for them I would probably be in a padded room awaiting Tyler's arrival.