Update 32 weeks 6 days

The past few weeks have not been fun for me. I have had bronchitis for 3 weeks and it will not go away. I have asthma so it is taking longer to get better than it might for someone without asthma. I have to take a steroid inhaler and an albuterol inhaler. I have also been exposed to swine flu so I am on Tami flu as a precaution. I did get the vaccination, but that was a day prior to being exposed to it and since I am sick already they are not taking any chances. I will have to get a booster of the vaccine in a month. On top of all this I have been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and will have to start insulin tomorrow. I really just wanted an uneventful pregnancy and did not want to have to take medicine. I am getting very stressed out and frustrated. I just want it to be safe for Tyler to be born so I can hold him in my arms, then this will all be worth it.

I did have my second fetal echo Monday and Tyler is doing very well. He was moving and flipping around a lot! They told me that he is about 5lbs 1 oz. I am definitely using an epidural when I deliver him if he is this big already. I still have 6-7 weeks to go and I can't imagine how big he is going to get in that time frame. All I need is to be able to breathe well when I do go into labor so I don't have to worry about that in addition to the stress I will feel anyway once I go into labor.

I have weekly BPP ultrasounds and doctors appointments to really monitor Tyler and I and to make sure what happened with Addison does not happen again. I really love the doctors I have now. They are so understanding and never make me feel stupid or as if I am bothering them. If it wasn't for them I would probably be in a padded room awaiting Tyler's arrival.

Weddings

I went to a wedding yesterday and it was as hard as I was expecting it to be. First of all it was on the 3rd of the month which is never an easy day and second it was for one of my girlfriends which is a reminder that my little girl will never have a wedding day. I was pretty emotional all day although I hid it until the way home when I started crying. Seeing my friend being walked down the aisle with her dad broke my heart because John can never do that with Addison. I could not even watch the father daughter dance, I tuned it out. John and I danced to the song "Remember When" and I started tearing up at the part when they sing "remember when the sound of little feet wasn't music we danced to week to week". I wish we were able to "dance" to the music of Addison's little feet running around the house looking for a toy or chasing the puppies, but we will never experience it. I try to stay positive and say we will get to do a lot of the things we don't get to do with Addison with Tyler and we will make them more special because we are doing it for both of them, but it's not the same. I want to be able to do all these things and so much more with my little girl. Why is live so unfair? Who decides what babies live and what babies don't? If anyone knows please tell me.

Catch Up

A lot has happened since my last post. First, I was in a car accident that totaled my vehicle. I was on my way to work on August 3rd (yes it would have to happen on the third of the month) and some idiot "did not see me" and hit me going an est. 35 mph. I was stopped and he pushed me into the vehicle in front of me. I of course freaked out because of the baby. The last thing I can handle is losing another child. I called 911 in hysterics and of course the cops, EMT's and firefighters came. They took me out on a back board because of the impact they were worried about my back and neck. At that point I could have cared less about me, I just needed to know my baby was okay. When I got to the ER the nurse was very obviously clueless about using a fetal doppler and she could not get a heartbeat, she was looking for about 5 minutes and finally I told her to stop because all she was doing was freaking me out more. I told her I wanted my OB practice called and I wanted an ultrasound. During this stressful moment my husband showed up, my sister went into the hall to tell him what was going on and to tell him to not stress because I am already stressed out. He came in and behaved very well for being so scared. The ER doctor was a jerk and he came in and said "I am 99.9999999999999999% sure that the baby is fine, you can call your OB later and they may want to get you in for an ultrasound." I said no I want to see them now. He called them and they told him to discharge me from the ER and send me to the Childbirth Center and they would do an ultrasound right then. I knew they would and for the ER doctor to be like that really irritated me! John had a really hard time going to the CBC because they put us in the same room we were in when we found out about Addison and he could not bear to think about it happening again. Thankfully, Tyler was moving around as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my belly. His heart looked good and there was no sign of trauma to him at all. We were very relieved about that! It wasn't until the next day that I felt the neck and back pain that I had. I will take all the neck and back pain in the world as long as my baby is okay. John and I keep saying that Addison was looking out for us and that is why Tyler is okay. I thank her everyday for being our Guardian Angel.

*****

I had my Fetal Echo last week and everything looked really good. Tyler was moving like crazy. He kept punching and kicking me:) The tech was trying to get a picture of his fingers, but he wanted to keep his hand in a fist, it was really cute:) The only thing they say on the echo was that when Tyler pees some of his urine goes back into his kidneys, it is a very common boy problem and they are not very concerned. I will be going back for another echo at 32-34 weeks to re-check that and to re-check the heart since Addison's problems happened late in the pregnancy. I got some very good pictures so I will try to post them later today or this weekend.

*****

I had a regular ultrasound 2 days ago at my OB practice, I am not sure why I think they were just jealous that the big hospital in my area had seen me twice for ultrasounds and they hadn't:) Tyler kept covering his face with his hands so they could not get a good face or profile shot. The shots they could get looks like he is laughing at us:)! He also covered his ear with his hand, I think he was sick of listening to us. At the end of the ultrasound he yawned twice, it was so cute!! It was his way of saying I'm done now, it is time for my nap. They got a picture of him yawning so I will try to post that as well.

****

As you can see it has been an eventful August. I can only hope September goes smoother. It will be a crazy month though because my classes start, I am taking 3 online classes this semester so I can get my A.S. degree in May and I am still working full time. I am beginning to think I am crazy:) At least it should keep me from stressing about the pregnancy, I will be to busy to do that!

****

Thanks to Addison keeping us safe during the accident I am having more faith in this pregnancy and am bonding more with Tyler. I talk and read to him and wiggle my belly to say hello to him. Of course he then retaliates by kicking and punching me for hours, but I'll take it. I am so lucky to have 2 such great babies. Even though I can't hold Addison in my arms I know she is with me every minute of every day. I think she has been giving Tyler pointers to because he has some of the same mannerisms that she had. A co-worker actually told me that Tyler is lucky to have his own special Angel looking out for him and I think she's right, he is lucky and it makes him and Addison even more special.

It's a.......

BOY!!!

My son, Tyler Joseph, was not at all shy to show the world his manhood:). He was on his stomach the whole time and would not show us his face, but his penis was a different story. My husband, of course, was very proud of himself. He strutted out of the hospital, it was very cute! For myself, I am happy that we are having a boy, but I was also sad because it means we have to redo Addison's room and put away all her girl stuff. People keep saying we don't have to change her room, but I think we do. It's purple with flowers and butterflies, not exactly a room for a boy. I have started sorting through Addi's things to see what Tyler can use and it is not a lot. I did not realize how many things we had that said Princess on them:). Oh well, like mother like daughter:).
We have ordered Tyler's bedding set and a matching blanket and lamp (the theme is Giraffes). I told John I was not ready to put Addi's bedding away. We have plenty of time and Tyler will be sleeping in our room for awhile and not using the crib right away. The hardest part might be painting the room over. I will always think of that room as Addi's, so it will be hard to turn it into Tyler's.
I think a part of me is glad we are having a boy and not a girl because it makes this pregnancy that much different. I still wish I could go back and that Addi would be here. I wonder how she would feel knowing she is going to have a baby brother.
My little cousin, he is 10, went with John and I to the ultrasound and he kept saying all these sweet things. He said that Addi would sleep with Tyler some nights and that Addi is his angel and will watch out over him. He even drew a picture that had Chico, Suzy, Tyler, John, myself and him and his brother and sister in it. In the sky there was a cloud that had an angel next to it. He said it was Addison watching over us. He makes me cry because he is so sweet and always includes Addison. He made his parents bring him to Addison's funeral because he wanted to say goodbye and he wanted to be with me because he knew it would be very hard for me. Not many young boys would be as sensitive as he is.
I keep waiting to believe that this pregnancy will turn out different from my last one, maybe having my cousin tell me that Tyler has his Angel Addison looking out for him will let me start to believe.

19 weeks 1 day update

I am obviously proving that I am not a good blog writer. I don't update very often, but I do come up with posts in my head while I lay in bed, I just never post them:)

Everything is going well with this pregnancy. We have had our level 2 ultrasound and are scheduled for a fetal echo and another follow up ultrasound at the end of August. We did find out what we are having and I will post the picture later.

I have not been dealing well with this pregnancy the last few weeks, I have made 2 appointments to just hear the heartbeat. The doctors are being great though and told me I can see them every week if it makes me feel better. As nice as that would be I really want to try and deal with this pregnancy as close to normally as I can. I am currently going every 3 weeks and after my September appointment I am going to change that to every 2 weeks. The problems with Addison did not happen at the beginning, they happened at the end, and that is when I think my stress level will be through the roof. I know that the doctors are going to do everything they can to have me deliver a happy, healthy baby, but no matter how much we all want it to that does not always happen. As you can see I am not feeling as positive about this pregnancy as I would like to. I really try to and I am seeing a new therapist who is helping me focus on the positives and on the things that are different in this pregnancy. I really miss being the naive pregnant women that I was with Addison. I assumed everything would be fine and that I would have a healthy baby girl. I did not know about all the bad things that can happen, now I do and I wish I didn't.

I don't deal very well when I find out that a friend wants to get pregnant. I almost start lecturing them on what they need to do so they can have the best possible chance to have a healthy baby. I tell them to get on prenatal vitamins right away, to let their doctor know and I tell them what foods are okay to eat and what aren't. I'm never going to just be able to smile and say "that's great!" and then let it go. I don't want what happened to me and my other baby lost mama's to happen to them.

I will try and be good and post the picture of what we are having later this weekend. If I forget feel free to email me and yell at me until I do it.

Update 11 weeks 1 Day

I have been slacking when it comes to blogging. I am just so tired that all I want to do when I get home from work is sleep. I skipped the last 2 Empty Arms meetings because I was tired and also because I did not think I could handle hearing about all the bad things that can happen and do happen during a pregnancy. I know what they are, but I have been stressing myself out enough so I just stayed home. Everything seems to be going well with this pregnancy although I have a hard time believing that everything will stay that way. I have had a couple of scares that with Addison I would not have freaked out, but with this one I am. I went to the ob office twice and had 2 ultrasounds before my first official appointment. The doctors are being so nice and have told me that I can call whenever I need to and that they will do what they can for me. At my first ultrasound (pictures below) they saw that there was a bleed, it was very small and they said completely normal. On Mother's Day the bleed thought it would be a good idea to come out and scare the sh*t out of me. I called the ob office and they said it was probably just the bleed coming out and that they would have me come in the next day for an ultrasound. I spent all of Mother's Day laying down and praying that this baby was going to be okay. At the ultrasound the next day the bleed was gone so that is all it was.

I really want to find a way to not stress out throughout this whole pregnancy, it's not good for me or the baby. I am worried that the stress is going to lead to high blood pressure (which I had a little bit of the last month I was pregnant with Addi) and that the doctors will put me on bed rest, which I don't want. I may need to make a serious effort to find a therapist that can help me work through the stress and the emotions I am having with this baby.

In Monday I have my first trimester screening. I am excited to have another ultrasound so I can see my baby, but I am also scared. Ultrasounds freak me out! An ultrasound is how they found out that Addison did not have a heartbeat anymore and I am scared that history will repeat itself.

Here are the 2 pictures from my first ultrasound:

Isn't my coffee bean adorable:)

They were showing me there was a heartbeat:)

According to the ultrasound we will be having a Christmas miracle this year. Coffee Bean is due right on Christmas Day although we will be induced early. This WILL be a good Christmas this year! (Positive thinking at work:))

Good Weekend

This was a good weekend as far as my stressing over the pregnancy goes. I started to enjoy it and am having some faith that everything will be okay. It helps that my ob office has been great. I was worried last week and they did a blood test just to reassure me. They also told me I can call every day if I want and they will do whatever they need to to give me control of this pregnancy. I also ask if they hold hands and they said they would:) It is so nice to have a doctors office be understanding and tell me that I can call whenever I need and that they will do whatever they can for me. It definitely made me feel better about this pregnancy.



I can't help wondering how Addison would feel about this pregnancy. I know she would only be a year old, but I wonder how she would react as my belly grows and how she would be when her brother or sister comes home. I know she is watching out over us so maybe she will send us some signs to let us know how she is feeling.



On a crazy note, has anyone seen Finding Nemo? I keep signing to my little coffee bean "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I want the baby to stay in the spa that is my womb until December and am hoping the song will be encouraging. Maybe I will have to watch the movie again so the coffee bean can hear Dory sing to him or her:) Yes, I know I am slightly crazy!