Believing in Miracles

I am going to make a real attempt to think positive about this pregnancy. I am going to Expect Miracles because they can happen! When I went on webmd to do a pregnancy calendar it said the conception date was April 3rd and the due date is December 25th. When I found out that we were pregnant I said it is Addi's Angelversary gift to John and I and that we would have our Christmas miracle. I had no idea how true that was. I just want to point out though, that this baby was not conceived on April 3rd, there is no way. The last thing John and I were thinking of that day is having sex and making a baby. I am still going to think the "conception date" is a sign from Addi saying everything is going to go well and we will get our miracle baby just in time for Christmas.


On Sunday when we found out we were pregnant and I called my family and close friends to tell them and they were so happy for us. My sister even went to Babies R' Us and got the baby a stuffed giraffe and got me some chocolate covered strawberries from Godiva (yummy). Today, when I was at CVS getting a few things I saw a green baby blanket with a giraffe on it, I had to get it. It may seem crazy to buy gifts when I am only 4weeks and 5 days but I don't care. I want to try and enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and if that means buying a gift when I see it then so be it.


John and I also decided that we are going to call the baby coffee bean. I love coffee and can't drink it right now so by calling the baby coffee bean I get coffee all day, every day. We also were teasing that it will be hazelnut if it is a boy and french vanilla if it is a girl. John was talking to my belly the other day and he sniffed and said it smells like hazelnut:) He is just to cute sometimes! Neither one of us cares if it is a boy or a girl as long as it is born alive and healthy. I don't think that is asking to much, do you?

Pregnant

It's happened...John and I are pregnant again! We just found out yesterday after I took 3 tests to confirm it. I was so excited yesterday and now I am just scared out of my mind. I can't get over the fear that something bad will happen to this baby. I really need to stop focusing on it and focus on the positive, I am pregnant. That is all I should be focusing on right now. It is so hard because every little twinge sends panic racing through my mind. It's also hard because I am only 4 weeks along so there is nothing the doctors can do to ease my fears, they can't do an ultrasound this early and I can't see or hear the heartbeat yet.

If anyone out there has any ideas on how I can stop stressing about this pregnancy, I am open to suggestions.

Here are the pictures of the 3 tests that verify I am pregnant! The pictures are blurry, but I think you get the idea:)

This one is hard to see but it says "yes+"

Angelversary Pictures

Saturday's Angelversary for Addi went really well. I of course was freaking out that morning because everything wasn't perfect and then at about 1 (the party was scheduled for 2) I decided it did not matter if it was perfect. People were coming to the house to be with us and help us remember Addi, not to see a perfectly clean house. Instead of rambling on about what Addison's Angelversary I will show you with pictures. There are a lot!

The gifts:

The flowers and Balloon:

The cake and cupcakes:

Addison's Angel Table:

As selfish as this may sound I was so glad that people brought Addison cards, flowers and gifts. It made me feel better knowing my friends and family remembered her and wanted to do something for her. People also donated money in Addison's name to the Empty Arms Support Group John and I go to because they know how much it has helped us.

Having this Angelversary get together was really good for John and I. It also gave our friends and family a way to show us they love her and miss her too. I think it may become a yearly get together.

Firsts

I have a hard time believing that it is already what should be Addison's first birthday. I have been thinking a lot about the other firsts we should be experiencing. Her first diaper, first smile, first cold, first tooth, first time she slept through the night, first time she crawled, first steps, first word, so many firsts that I will never experience with her. Today is another, her first birthday.

We have not really done a lot today because we are preparing for her Angelversary party that we are having tomorrow. We did go to the cemetary and I put candles at the head of her headstone and planted some pansies at the bottom of it.

As we were leaving the cemetary, that is the one and only time I have cried so far today. I almost feel like that makes me a bad mom, because I only cried once. Shouldn't I be crying all day? I don't know, maybe I just can't let it out right now. I just feel numb.

Addison,

On your 1st birthday mommy is thinking of you and loves you so much! I miss you every second of every day! You are always is in my heart.

Love,

Mommy

Lost

I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I was before I was told Addison didn't have a heartbeat, but I struggle with who I have become since then. I am not the same person. Things that mattered before don't matter anymore. I know I have distanced myself from my friends and some of my family because I honestly don't feel like I have that much in common with them anymore. They can't and don't understand what it is like to lose a child and I don't want them to know what it is like. As Addison's Angelversary approaches I feel myself pulling away more and more. I don't want to lose my friends or push them away but I can't stop myself. I just want to figure out who I am now and how the new me fits in my old world.

I have never been a big crier but lately that is all I feel like doing. The littlest things set me off. This song by Carrie Underwood sets me off every time, specifically the chorus and the part where the preacher hands her a folded up flag. That part reminds me that all I have left of Addi are a few pieces of her hair and a folded up blanket with the little pink hat she wore inside it.

I remember how happy I was this time last year, thinking Addi is almost here! I am going to be bringing my baby home and I will get to be her mommy and love her and play with her and of course show her off. That never happened though. I still get to be her mommy and love her, but not the way I was planning to. I find myself thinking a lot of last year before Addi was born and then about the couple of weeks after she was born. I still find it hard to believe that my life changed so drastically in an instant, but it did and I will never be the same.

Fear

John and I have started trying to get pregnant. We both want a baby so bad and I feel like I am going to be a disappointment to him. Women who have lost babies understand this feeling. I feel like I failed. I am a women, I should be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a live baby. I did 2 out of 3, which in a lot of cases is great, not so much in this one. How do you get past the fear that you will never have a live baby?
Last night John and I were discussing when we would tell people when we do get pregnant. We told people right away with Addison. A part of me wants to tell people right away this time too, but there is a part of me that wants to wait until after the 1st trimester. I don't even really know why, it's not like I will feel like we are "safe" once we are past the 1st trimester. I know firsthand that bad things can happen throughout the pregnancy. I think John will want to tell a select few people so he can have people to talk to if he is stressing out. I am hoping when the time comes we will know what is right for us.

The 3rd

I am feeling so cranky today! I know it is because today Addison should be 11 months old and instead of planning her 1st birthday party, I am printing out invitations and planning her 1st Angelversary. How did the life I was planning on living get to this point? I still don't understand why this happened to us, why did we have to learn how to keep our daughters memory alive instead of learning how to live with a baby?
I just want someone to tell me why we had to lose our baby? Why us? We did everything we were supposed to. We went to the doctors before we started trying to make sure there was no medical reason for us to not get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks and made a doctors appointment right away so I could begin good prenatal care. I took disgusting prenatal vitamins that made me throw up. I went to all of my doctors appointments and listened to all their advice but it still wasn't enough, I still lost my baby. It just doesn't make sense to me, why when we did everything right did the worst thing possible happen?