Lost

I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I was before I was told Addison didn't have a heartbeat, but I struggle with who I have become since then. I am not the same person. Things that mattered before don't matter anymore. I know I have distanced myself from my friends and some of my family because I honestly don't feel like I have that much in common with them anymore. They can't and don't understand what it is like to lose a child and I don't want them to know what it is like. As Addison's Angelversary approaches I feel myself pulling away more and more. I don't want to lose my friends or push them away but I can't stop myself. I just want to figure out who I am now and how the new me fits in my old world.

I have never been a big crier but lately that is all I feel like doing. The littlest things set me off. This song by Carrie Underwood sets me off every time, specifically the chorus and the part where the preacher hands her a folded up flag. That part reminds me that all I have left of Addi are a few pieces of her hair and a folded up blanket with the little pink hat she wore inside it.

I remember how happy I was this time last year, thinking Addi is almost here! I am going to be bringing my baby home and I will get to be her mommy and love her and play with her and of course show her off. That never happened though. I still get to be her mommy and love her, but not the way I was planning to. I find myself thinking a lot of last year before Addi was born and then about the couple of weeks after she was born. I still find it hard to believe that my life changed so drastically in an instant, but it did and I will never be the same.

Fear

John and I have started trying to get pregnant. We both want a baby so bad and I feel like I am going to be a disappointment to him. Women who have lost babies understand this feeling. I feel like I failed. I am a women, I should be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a live baby. I did 2 out of 3, which in a lot of cases is great, not so much in this one. How do you get past the fear that you will never have a live baby?
Last night John and I were discussing when we would tell people when we do get pregnant. We told people right away with Addison. A part of me wants to tell people right away this time too, but there is a part of me that wants to wait until after the 1st trimester. I don't even really know why, it's not like I will feel like we are "safe" once we are past the 1st trimester. I know firsthand that bad things can happen throughout the pregnancy. I think John will want to tell a select few people so he can have people to talk to if he is stressing out. I am hoping when the time comes we will know what is right for us.

The 3rd

I am feeling so cranky today! I know it is because today Addison should be 11 months old and instead of planning her 1st birthday party, I am printing out invitations and planning her 1st Angelversary. How did the life I was planning on living get to this point? I still don't understand why this happened to us, why did we have to learn how to keep our daughters memory alive instead of learning how to live with a baby?
I just want someone to tell me why we had to lose our baby? Why us? We did everything we were supposed to. We went to the doctors before we started trying to make sure there was no medical reason for us to not get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks and made a doctors appointment right away so I could begin good prenatal care. I took disgusting prenatal vitamins that made me throw up. I went to all of my doctors appointments and listened to all their advice but it still wasn't enough, I still lost my baby. It just doesn't make sense to me, why when we did everything right did the worst thing possible happen?

Remodeling

First, I want to thank everyone for their comments on my blog. It helps knowing there are people out there who are reading it.
Now onto my topic....remodeling.
The first house my husband and I owned was the definition of fixer upper. It was built in 1863 and had old wallpaper and disgusting linoleum covering up gorgeous wood floors. The bathroom was also literally falling down. My husband and I worked hard and we fixed up that house. Thankfully, my husband is very good at fixing things so we were able to do the work ourselves with help from some good friends. We ended up renting our first house out and moving closer to our parents in anticipation of starting a family.
The new house does not need a lot of work but it does need updating. Our living room has wood paneling that goes half way up each wall and the lighting fixtures are old. The carpet was new when we moved in, but it is very cheap and 1 of my dogs has peed on it numerous times. During 1 of our trips to home depot my husband and I decided it would be a good idea to put down ceramic tile in the living room and get rid of the carpet. This is good for a few reasons: 1. I have asthma and allergies and carpet traps allergens, 2. it is cheap carpet, 3. I am sick of renting a carpet cleaner because the dog has peed again, and 4. when it rains really hard, which it did this past summer, the rain can come in the house which can cause mold to grow (see reason 1). So, we bought the tile and did nothing for at least 5 months. Tonight that all changed! My husband and I had excess energy so we decided to run to Home Depot and get tools to lift up the ugly green tile that was under the carpet. We thought we would get half the living room done today and finish the other half later this week. The tile came up so easy we got it all up. The floor looks awful right now but we are well on our way to having an updated living room. My husband is going to tear down the poorly done ceiling and put up new sheet rock and recessed lighting. Then he will take out the ugly and outdated wood panelling and put up sheet rock and I can paint the room a color that coordinates with the new tile. I can not wait to have a fresh, updated living room!
We want to have all of this done by April 4th because we are planning to have friends and family over for Addison's Angelversary. The actual date of her Angelversary is April 3rd but we want to spend that day together.
I am finding that remodeling is a good place to put some of my mommy energy. I am also having fun doing something with my husband that we haven't done in a while. Is anyone else doing any fun or not so fun remodeling?

Ignorant Comments

Today my husband and I went furniture shopping at a small town store where the clerk knew me. I had not seen her since before Addison was born so I did not know if she knew that Addison had died. I am still not comfortable broaching the topic so I did not bring it up. About 1/2 way into the conversation she said she was sorry for our loss. I thanked her and nodded my head sadly when she said it was hard. She then said it was similar to when the doctors told her daughter, who is 6 months pregnant, that there was something wrong with the baby and they may need to abort the baby. I, of course, become immediately sympathetic. She then continues and says they ran tests and it turns out everything is fine. At this point I start getting upset, this is in no way similar to my circumstances. Yes, initially the doctors told her daughter she may have to abort the baby, so she would have also lost a baby. However, the baby is going to be fine, so no, it is not the same. Then she tells me it was God's will that Addison had died.

Since the day Addison died I said that is the last thing I want to hear. It doesn't even make sense! Was it really God's will to give my baby non-immune hydrops? Or make her heart twice the size of what it should have been? Or have her kidney's go into renal failure? I don't think it was. Saying it is God's will is what someone says when they don't know what else to say. In my opinion, if you don't know what to say, say nothing! It would mean more to me if the person gave me a hug or squeezed my hand sympathetically rather than say something if they don't know what to say. I really don't think that people realize that what they say to parents who have lost a child really impacts them. We really do remember the good and the bad things that are said to us.

Not long after I returned to work and before I got the autopsy results I had a co-worker tell me that the reason Addison died was because she was a girl and I was destined to have a boy. He said if I had been pregnant with a boy he would have lived. Then he asks me if I can't have a baby would I do a surrogate! I had not even received the autopsy results to know why Addison died and he is already assuming I can't have a live baby! The surprising part to this part of the story is, he has a baby! Those words really stuck with me so when my husband and I got the autopsy results I asked the pathologist if she had died because she was a girl. I explained why I was asking that question and after a moment of stunned silence she said absolutely not, it had noting to do with Addison's sex, it just happened and they don't know why it happened. Although the pathologist said it was not because Addison was a girl, I am still scared to get pregnant with a girl the next time. That comment will live in my head forever.

When people say these stupid and hurtful comments I freeze up. I can't even make a coherent thought, so I never tell them that what they are saying hurts me. Of course, later on I have all sorts of comments I wish I had said. I really wish just once I could tell the people that make these comments that what they are saying hurts and that their words last in my head long after our conversation. Maybe one day I will be able to.

Is it just me?

I really feel like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or they just had a baby. Am I the only one who feels this way? It really devastates me when I see a pregnant person. I want to yell and scream, "I was pregnant too!" And "Be Careful because bad things can happen after the first trimester, they can even happen at full term!", but I don't say these things, I keep it locked inside of me and smile and say congratulations like your supposed to. When I hear that a friend or acquaintance has had a baby my heart breaks because they have what I should have and what I want more than words can say.
I also get very judgmental when I see people who are pregnant who don't take care of themselves (the cigarette in their mouth proves this). I don't get how come they will have a healthy baby, yet I took care of myself starting before I even got pregnant and I lost my baby. Please realize that I don't think anyone should have to lose their baby, I just get mad that these women are not taking care of themselves which means they are also not taking care of their unborn baby.
Jealousy and bitterness really isn't attractive, is it? Maybe once I get pregnant again and have a healthy baby I will get over these nasty emotions.

Ten Months

Ten months ago life as I knew it changed for good. Ten months ago I lost my baby girl. My life is so drastically different that what I had thought and hoped it would be. When I was told that Addison had died, a lot of my hopes and dreams died with her. I didn’t know if I would be able to go on without her. Obviously I have, but it is a struggle. The 3rd of the month is always the worst day. I have a hard time focusing on anything but the fact that my daughter should be ______ many months old. I think about what stage she would be at and what we would be doing with her. It is hard to fathom that I have been without Addison longer than I was pregnant with her. In two short months it will have been a year since I went to the hospital excited that Addison was finally going to be coming home with me, only to be told she would never come home with me.
I have friends and family that expect me to move on and to not still be grieving, but they just don’t understand you never get over the loss of your child. They also expect me to be the same person I was before this happened, they don’t understand that I am not and can not ever be that person again. When you lose a child, you lose not only your present, but large chunks of your future. When you get pregnant you visualize different stages of your life with that child in it, the day the baby comes home, the first steps and words, first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, first crush, marriage, grandchildren, all that is taken away when your child dies. I emailed my friends and family the Bereaved Parents Wish List and it helped some, but they still just don’t understand. I guess I need to stop expecting them to.


On a different note this wonderful women Cara started a Wall of Angels that has the names and pictures of the children that have died. As soon as I found this blog I emailed Cara to have Addison added to it. If you lost a child visit the blog and have Cara add your child to it. I think this is a great way to honor our children. http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/